2 weeks old

Micah is 2 weeks old today. Most moments I still need to pinch myself to believe its real...that we are the parents to a real live healthy baby boy.He's here. He's real. He snuggles, and cries, and pees, and poops...and fills us with so much joy I didn't know was even possible. I no longer can imagine living life without him, although at least once a day a fear creeps in that somehow we could lose him still...joy or not, the catastrophic thinking that I have battled since losing Ezra is not gone entirely.

While pregnant with Sunflower I never could envision this part...even up to the day we went to the hospital to be induced, I didn't fully believe that we'd be leaving with a real live baby. Even while nesting and preparing for his arrival, it didn't truly feel real. Afterall, I've never had this happy ending before.

Sunflower's arrival was challenging to say the least. I spent nearly 30 hours in labor. I had an epidural that didn't fully work, and after feeling intense pitocin-induced contractions through it, had to be repeated. But the scary part was that twice, Sunflower's heart began to deccelerate. The first time they were able to stabilize things. The second time is what led to the decision to do a c-section...with labor not progressing the way it needed to, and a waning heart rate, getting Sunflower out safely seemed like the priority. I wish I hadn't had to have a c-section--the recovery has been terribly difficult--but I don't regret the decision at all. The alternative is way too terrifying.

These last two weeks have been so intense and so very wonderful. It hasn't all been easy...because our Sunflower was a little early, we had some feeding difficulties that made breastfeeding hard to establish. But Micah and I have worked hard at it, and while we are still a work in progress, I no longer need to pump to supplement feeds and Micah is growing and gaining from nursing full feeds. As of yesterday, he is now 6lbs 15oz. Breastfeeding is definitely a learned skill, and perhaps the hardest skill I've ever learned. But Micah is absolutely worth it.

I've heard other babylost mamas say that they never truly recognized how much they lost until their rainbow babies arrived. I guess that's true - there's no way I could have imagined the depths of joy that Micah has brought into our lives. But this time has not been about Ezra...its absolutely been about Micah. Its not that I miss my Ezra any less - losing him still makes me feel like the unluckiest woman in the world. But having my Sunflower, my baby Micah here, makes me feel like the luckiest woman alive. I am so amazingly grateful he's here

12 days

Micah is 12 days old today. The days since his birth have been such a whirlwind of joy and snuggles, breastfeeding woes and sleep deprivation that I'm not yet able to write a coherent post. On Wednesday (his 8th day of life) we celebrated Micah's bris or Jewish circumcision ceremony. The following is the explanation we wrote and read about Micah Amir's name:

Micah Amir is named for his older brother Ezra Malik, born sleeping August 30, 2008, and his paternal grandfather Albert, who passed away June 28, 2009. Micah will grow up knowing of his mighty older brother who got away -- Ezra paved the way for Micah in our hearts and in his mama's womb. Micah will also learn of his grandfather, who, although he did not live to see Micah's birth, took such joy in knowing we had a Sunflower on the way.

Micah, in Hebrew, means 'who resembles G-d?' or 'resembling G-d'. We believe Micah chose this name for himself to remind us that although he may physically resemble his older brother, he reflects a power so much larger in the universe, the power of our love, the power which has guided us on our difficult journey as parents. Micah does not replace Ezra - he is his own special and unique self.

Amir, in Hebrew and Arabic, means 'prince'. We believe Micah chose this name for himself to reflect his dual ethnicities and the value his parents place on the influences of many cultures. We love that his middle name has the same meaning in two languages. Bridging two worlds, we expect our Micah Amir to be a leader, a prince.

Here are some additional photos of our little guy:

Pics of Sunflower

We came home from the hospital yesterday -- too tired to post yet, but here's some pics of our Sunflower, Micah Amir

Sunflower is here!

Micah Amir was born safely with a lusty cry via C-section at 5:28 this morning. Mama and baby are well.

16 months ago today...

...I was informed my Ezra had passed away.

Our admit time was pushed back to midnight. So here we are heading back to the very same hospital to bring Sunflower into this world, 16 months to the day that we lost our firstborn. Oh I miss my Ezra! And oh I can't wait to meet my Sunflower! What a very long and winding journey this has been.

37 weeks - Sunflower on the way

I'm scheduled to be induced the day after tomorrow. I'll be admitted to the hospital on Monday night and will begin the process - my OB expects that I won't actually deliver until Tuesday. Sunflower's head is engaged and I'm 1cm dilated. I had accupuncture this morning to try to help get labor going, and I'll do it again on Monday. This is really happening!

There's no way to articulate all the emotions I'm feeling right now. Relieved that there is an end in sight. Anxious about the labor and delivery. And now that we have a definite plan, yes quite excited.

Yet I still can't think past Tuesday. Still can't wrap my mind around the idea that all this may just result in a live baby that I get to take home with me. A son for us to raise. It's like Tuesday is where the sidewalk ends, the end of the yellow brick road...what happens after that nobody knows. Or at least I don't.

I'll let you know when I find out...

Lucia Paz

On this day one year ago, a beautiful little girl was silently born at the very same hospital as my Ezra. And another family's grief journey had begun. I wish my beautiful friendship with Lucy's mama Angie had begun another way...it could easily have been at a local breastfeeding group or playgroup with our newborns.

My heart aches for Angie, her sweet husband Sam and gorgeous living daughter Bea today and always. Via her mama's written words and friendship, sweet Lucia Paz has brought so much light and peace to my own life this past year.