Saturday, May 30, 2009

9 Months


Today is 9 months since my baby boy was born.

9 months since I held him in my arms and sobbed and wailed.

I still remember his slight weight in my arms.

I remember his fuzzy black hair, and his miniature version of his daddy's nose.

I remember his tiny feet and hands, and his subtle grin.

I remember...


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And yet the world keeps turning...the good, the bad.

So many challenges thrown our way these last 9 months...

First one parent's illness, and now another.

Unemployment.

Losing so many of our friends and family relationships.


I try to focus on the positive...

Our deepened love for each other.

The friends and family who have held us in love on this journey.

Our heightened compassion and connection to the world.


And somehow I still have hope.

Most days I don't even know why.

Hope that we will survive this.

Hope that times will be better.

Hope that we will one day be parents to a living child.


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I'm struck lately by the intensity of the ebbs and flows of life.

How frequently bad things happen to good people,

How often good things happen to bad people,

And everything in between.


As the lovely and amazing Gal wrote on Mother's Day:


In the past week,

I learned that Ann was living her final days.

I learned that she died.

I learned that someone very special to me is pregnant.

I learned that a good friend has lymphoma.

I learned that another good friend is engaged to be married.


I am starting to understand that this is how it is

And always will be...

They exist together, the dark and the light,

The sorrows and the blessings,

The arrivals and the departures.


And as usual, my wise friend Gal is right.

Because these last 9 months,

I have become singularly aware of these contrasts

The immense joy of my pregnancy, followed by the crushing grief of losing my son.

The love of family, coupled with the immense fear of our parents' illnesses.

The way I'm able to laugh, even when the tears are just beneath the surface.

So many healthy babies born alive to family and friends since Ezra died.

And yet each new babylost mama who contacts me breaks my heart all over again.

My dad has recovered well.

My sister-in-law's mother died.

David's dad is in the hospital recovering from a broken hip.

There will always be dark,

There will always be light,

It is all part of the universe.


A few weeks ago, a Hebrew song that was part of my childhood popped into my head.

I have not been able to stop singing it since.

It was written by Hannah Senesh, a Jewish resistance fighter during World War II.

And it just sums up so much.


Oh God, my God

I pray that these things never end.

The sand and the sea.

The rush of the waters.

The crash of the heavens.

The prayers of the heart.


Here's a link so you can hear it sung in Hebrew:


22 comments:

Inanna said...

That video was beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.

Paige said...

Sara, that song has always been a favorite. I remember singing it at camp and at services, finding it so sad and haunting, never knowing my mood would one day match the mood of its melody.

Remembering Ezra tonight and holding you and David close in my heart. Much love.

Paige said...

I fogot your 'h', of course realized right after I clicked published. Sorry;(

Hope's Mama said...

With you through the light and the dark moments Sarah. Nine months is hard, I'm thinking of you today.

angie said...

My dear lovely friend Sarah, standing with you as you reach this difficult milestone. Thinking of you and David this weekend, and of course, remembering Ezra as always.

Thank you for sharing that beautiful song. With much love. Abrazos y besos.

Monique said...

Thinking of you, David and Ezra always. Much love.

aliza said...

sending you so much love today sarah.

just yesterday i was walking and thinking of all the dualities that exist simultaneously...after reading this post http://ourbabyboy25.blogspot.com/2009/05/beautiful-mess.html


holding the three of you in my heart today...and everyday. thanks for the song.
xoxo

Dani819 said...

Thinking of you, David, and Ezra. Of what should have been and what is yet to come.

CLC said...

Thinking of you, Ezra snd your hubby.

Funsize said...

I'm remembering Ezra with you and your husband today.

Barbara said...

Remembering with you Sarah.

xxx

erica said...

Thinking of you, David, and your beautiful Ezra today. Thanks so much for sharing the song - it's breathtaking and the words went straight to my heart.

Alisha said...

What a beautiful post. It really touched me and it is SO TRUE! Thinking of you and your sweet baby boy. ((Hugs))

Sara said...

Thinking of you and Ezra. Day to day is hard, but milestones seem especially heavy. Thought of you yesterday, thinking of you today. Wishing you some lightness and peace.

Rach said...

Thinking of you, holding you all close and sending you love.

Through the dark and the light with you. xxx

Michele said...

remembering with you today

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

Holding you on this big anniversary, Sarah. And sending huge love.

Ya Chun said...

9 months. ugh.

i try to focus on the positive too.

off to watch the video

Funsize said...

Guess what! I tagged you in a meme!

Kara aka Mother Henna said...

Just been thinking about you, Sarah... as always, my heart to you and for what it is worth, I *so* get it. Candles lit here today for all our kids...miracles, k-

Lani said...

thank you for sharing that song- i love it. i'm sorry i wasn't here to give you love on your 9 month date but you have continuously been in my thoughts.

we spent the week dancing to our favorite band with lots of friends...it was the light in a really dark dark time. we truly need it to get through each day.

lots of love xoxo

Dalene said...

Thinking of you and Ezra. Thank you for sharing your love for him with us.