Thursday, June 11, 2009

How is it possible?

How is it possible that THREE times this week I've been brightly asked: "how's your baby?" (Um...DEAD) Not malicious, just oblivious. It's hard to imagine that nine and a half months later there is anyone left in the universe who hasn't heard my screams from the rooftops. MY PRECIOUS SON DIED!!!

And how is it possible this question no longer melts me into a pool of tears? Calmly and precisely I clarify. I've grown such thick skin.

When did the rough sharp edges of my grief settle into the core of my being? My what a journey this has been.

25 comments:

angie said...

oh, sarah, having to endure that question once is a trial for the week, but three times seems impossibly cruel. sending "keeping your oblivious trap shut" vibes for all you encounter. with much love.

Michele said...

It's been 16m since our twins and almost 6m since our son died, and yet people still ask me how the kids are. Some people just dont hear things, I guess... or maybe they hear and dont listen.

Good for you for giving other people memories of Ezra so that they can remember him, too.

Hope's Mama said...

Ouch. I have only had to deal with this twice. Once just last week, and before that it was months ago, although this girl never got to ask. She just saw me start crying when she came towards me. Then she hugged me and asked what happened....
I guess most regular folk, just assume nine months ends in a happy, sceaming baby. Oh how different our worlds are.

Tracey said...

GAH. I'm sorry. So very sorry....three times? Sometimes I think this grief journey is like torture by a million paper cuts....all these ongoing pains.

Someone asked me just two weeks ago how our baby was cause "OMG, you must be having so much fun now that she's 4 months old!" ...and how can I reply to that? Um yes, having a dead baby is like OMG, SO.MUCH.FUN! - we are having a GREEEEEEAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT time!!!!!

But you know, I tell you that story, but I can't even remember who it was that said it, or what the situation was. How can I not remember that? I think grief has made me multiple personalitied or something...

m said...

This has happened to me a couple of times in work settings. And in order to be able to continue to function, my response is usually pretty brief and factual. No tears anymore. I can't produce the tears at will, like I think some people expect. I sometimes wonder if the askers think I am "over it," oblivious, or still in shock. Honestly, I spend so much energy on keeping my shit together, I just can't give a random, oblivious person the satisfaction of my tears anymore.

I am so hoping that this trying week has let you reach your quota of questioners for the YEAR(s.

Sara said...

I got the question over a year after Henry died. How can people not know . . . . and how many more of them are there?

But three times in a week is just cruel. You must be exhausted (even though the question no longer reduces me to a puddle of tears, it stil exhausts me.)

Lynda said...

It still cuts me deep on some days when people ask, but on others I can be strong as pine wood. I wish none of us EVER had to give such an answer to a seemingly normal question.

Lea said...

Wow... that is crazy. You're right, the question does seem to get easier (not sure that is the right word), but we are able to answer with a little more ease.

I often find myself talking about my two earth angels to others and in my head I am trying deperately to figure out how to include Nicholas...

Strength to you

Barbara said...

Bah. Sometimes I think we should wear a badge.

I'm still reduced to a pile of rubble at times, if asked.

xxx

Lani said...

yeah, we've had that happen recently too. at the first farmer's market last sunday, we knew that some customers didn't know. we were prepared. and its amazing how calm, cool and collected we can be when answering.

i want that badge so badly, its just so much easier then having to explain it all over and over.

xo

Monique said...

Sorry you had to endure this, Sarah. Who are these people? Much love.

Steve+Marie Douglas said...

Hi, I came across your blog through Lyndsay's blog. I am Elijah's mommy - he too lives in heaven. I miss him & then getting questions like, "HOWS YOUR BABY?" makes it so hard!!!
IT is so strange how after a while the tears aren't so free to come FOR THOSE TYPES OF INSENSATIVE CRUEL QUESTIONS!! I know I was at the store the other day and my best friends sons grandma walked up to me and coldly stated "YOUR BABY DIED!" wow it was just like a freezing cold bucket of water down my face. I was so shoked I answered nothing, turned and walked away. SO SORRY FOR THOSE INSENSATIVE MOMENTS (((((hugs)))))
Marie - YOUR EZRA IS SO PRECIOUS thanks for sharing his picture. sweet boy. if you would liek to visit our blog we are at elijah nathaniel douglas.blogspot.com

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

I've wondered, too, why the world can't hear my holering... especially now 10 months since Tikva died, and a year since she was born. A friend commented lately on how inspiring I was because I seemed so grounded and calm. Hmm...

Paige said...

I'm so sorry, Sarah. Sucks, sucks, sucks. I had that question for the first time two weeks ago, from two lovely Mandarin speaking cafeteria workers I've been carefully avoiding since I returned to work. Needless to say, I don't speak Mandarin. I'll let you imagine how that conversation went. Then I had it again the very next day. Like I wrote yesterday, when it rains it certainly seems to pour. Sending you a giant umbrella, and love. xo

Samaria said...

Oh how that question angered me too, what was worst is the same people would ask this, I felt like it was cruel joke.

k@lakly said...

That hurts. I hate that people can't just know. When I first joined this community we often 'joked' although it was more serious than not, that we all needed a scarlet letter or tatoo that would tell people for us, I HAVE A DEAD BABY. DONT ASK.

But instead we all just have to deal with the endless questions and marvel that we don't turn into a pile of sand everytime it's asked.

xxoo

Tracey said...

A scarlet letter, a forehead tattoo...oh how that would help.

Sometimes I can't understand how people don't know..can't they see the pain in the eyes, why isn't the scar in the heart somehow externally visible?

aliza said...

as far as i can remember i only had that question from the dental hygenists- twice...the last time i was pretty matter of fact too...while she was wide eyed in disbelief...

i would like a pin or t-shirt or something too..

sorry you had to deal with three times in one week

love to you

Funsize said...

I still get that question from customers at work, after my work posted his newspaper obituary for the 10 weeks I was on disability (from the c-section). How do I respond to "How old is your son now?" Oh, well he would have been 10 months old. And I leave it at that and walk away.

Jennifer Ross said...

I found your blog through Paige. Your son was so precious, and has touched my heart. I loss my little boy on August 3, 2008. It has been the greatest loss of my life. It's comforting to have other blogs to read, when you feel so alone. Thank you for sharing Ezra's beautiful life.

Ya Chun said...

ouch. sorry.

i guess it's a sign that you are getting out and about again, and running into people that have not seen you or heard of what happened.

kinda makes you want to crawl back into your hole, eh?

yes, my grief is not a localized pain anymore, more systemic, and diluted in its effects then, when someone stirs it up

Rach said...

I am so sorry that you week has been like this, that you had to have this question asked so many times. I am sending my love. xxx

CLC said...

I am sorry. It is so painful to hear that once, let alone three times. IT's amazing how thick our skin really gets.

Alison said...

I am crying my eyes out reading this. it has been 7 long years since I lost my daughter Amelia before she took her first breath and it doesn't get easier, it just becomes manageable.

There are no words to comfort. Just know I have been there and am sending you love and thoughts.

Carly Marie said...

You know sarah, I am so sorry this has happened to you so many times.

Sam and I were talking tonight about the most hurtful thing any one has ever said to me.

A "friend" simply forgot that CHRISTIAN DIED THE WEEK BEFORE. How does somebody forget that.

Being asked over and over is just so awful - I hope this is the last of it for you beautiful friend.

xxxxx