These last several weeks since Ezra's 1st birthday and the 20 week ultrasound have been a time of seismic change. As the seasons turn, I feel myself caught up in a change I can't even completely describe, but I feel it growing within me. There was so much fear and anxiety wrapped up into the last week of August. I had worked myself up into such a state leading up to the 20 week ultrasound, expecting bad news because that's just what this year has wrought. Reaching Ezra's birthday and beyond has been a process of letting go, of confronting head on where I am in my grief for Ezra, and in my ever-growing joy for Sunflower. I have found myself so much more present in the joy.
In the past several weeks, I have found myself doing things that never would have been possible anytime this past year. I held my third and fourth babies since Ezra. I sought out these babies, made sure that I would get a chance to hold them, play with them, feel their snugly warmth and marvel at their adorable smiles. It felt GREAT and incredibly healing. I also attended a bris (a Jewish circumcision ceremony that is held when the baby boy is 8 days old). I had planned to have a bris for Ezra, which of course never got to happen. This bris was a beautiful ceremony, and I openly cried...but they were tears of joy, and I felt so blessed to be part of this simcha, this celebration.
The fear and anxiety are a constant presence in this pregnancy, I doubt there any way to completely avoid these emotions (other than heavy heavy denial). But the growing joy is ever-present too, as Sunflower grows. Almost despite myself I have regained some of that pregnant glow I had with Ezra. I love when Sunflower squirms and kicks. Despite feeling like a hippo, I love my ever-blossoming belly. I love that Sunflower has shared with us his real name (and no, I will not share it until he is born). And although it shocked me at first, I love that I am mama to another son.
The Jewish New Year begins tonight. I had no clue how I would feel as this time of year came. And yet riding the wave of this seismic change, I feel just present enough in hope and joy to believe that this new year might just bring some light. I am positive it will also bring heartbreak...this past year has taught me so much about the co-mingling of the light and the dark, of devastation and joy. But somehow I feel ready for the journey.
L'shanah tovah...wishing everyone a sweet and beautiful New Year.
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