Friday, September 18, 2009

22 weeks, 6 days ~ Staying Present in the Joy

These last several weeks since Ezra's 1st birthday and the 20 week ultrasound have been a time of seismic change. As the seasons turn, I feel myself caught up in a change I can't even completely describe, but I feel it growing within me. There was so much fear and anxiety wrapped up into the last week of August. I had worked myself up into such a state leading up to the 20 week ultrasound, expecting bad news because that's just what this year has wrought. Reaching Ezra's birthday and beyond has been a process of letting go, of confronting head on where I am in my grief for Ezra, and in my ever-growing joy for Sunflower. I have found myself so much more present in the joy.

In the past several weeks, I have found myself doing things that never would have been possible anytime this past year. I held my third and fourth babies since Ezra. I sought out these babies, made sure that I would get a chance to hold them, play with them, feel their snugly warmth and marvel at their adorable smiles. It felt GREAT and incredibly healing. I also attended a bris (a Jewish circumcision ceremony that is held when the baby boy is 8 days old). I had planned to have a bris for Ezra, which of course never got to happen. This bris was a beautiful ceremony, and I openly cried...but they were tears of joy, and I felt so blessed to be part of this simcha, this celebration.

The fear and anxiety are a constant presence in this pregnancy, I doubt there any way to completely avoid these emotions (other than heavy heavy denial). But the growing joy is ever-present too, as Sunflower grows. Almost despite myself I have regained some of that pregnant glow I had with Ezra. I love when Sunflower squirms and kicks. Despite feeling like a hippo, I love my ever-blossoming belly. I love that Sunflower has shared with us his real name (and no, I will not share it until he is born). And although it shocked me at first, I love that I am mama to another son.

The Jewish New Year begins tonight. I had no clue how I would feel as this time of year came. And yet riding the wave of this seismic change, I feel just present enough in hope and joy to believe that this new year might just bring some light. I am positive it will also bring heartbreak...this past year has taught me so much about the co-mingling of the light and the dark, of devastation and joy. But somehow I feel ready for the journey.

L'shanah tovah...wishing everyone a sweet and beautiful New Year.

21 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

Beautiful post, Sarah. Holding on to that joy with you. Wishing I could join you for your feast tonight!
xo

angie said...

What a beautiful post. I think our community needs this kind of light and energy right now, Sarah. I know I do. With much love to you and little Sunflower and wishes for a beautiful New Year weekend.

Pink Ronnie said...

HI Sarah, thank you for sharing this, it was beautiful and encouraging to read. Am thinking of you, Ezra and your precious Sunflower.
Rhonda

Lea said...

Sarah - such a hopeful post. I am so glad and happy to hear that you are finding ways to both incorporate your love for Ezra and baby sunflower in your life.

Happy New Year to you.

Sara said...

Sarah, it makes me smile to hear of the joy growing in you. May the year bring more of it.

marlono said...

Sarah, So glad to hear the happiness in your 'voice.' Wishing you a joyful New Year, and as always, you are in my prayers.

Just Breathe said...

Have you ever noticed on my blogs that I have a definition for the word Bittersweet:

"Somewhere between the slow motion of loss and the fast forward of desire." dlp

Happy New Year

Ya Chun said...

Enjoy the kicks

Paige said...

Sarah, I think I'm basking in your glow! L'shanah tovah to you, an incredibly sweet year to you guys. xo

Lani said...

l'shana tova to you too sarah. this post makes me happy. its great to read such hopeful words.
xo

Barbara said...

Happy new year to you Sarah.

It's good to read about hope and good things.

xxx

erica said...

Thank you for this full-of-light post, Sarah. I hope the joy keeps outgrowing the fear, and I'm wishing you and your family a happy & bright new year.

aliza said...

so glad that you are basking in the joy and glow of sunflower's life. it is time for some light and joy. sending you sweet wishes for this new year. shana tova. xoxo

Cara said...

That transition from grieving Ezra to welcoming Sunflower is such a personal road. Of course the two will now exists simultaneously - but balance each other depending on the time of year and other factors.

Thinking of you as you walk through the second half of your pregnancy.

Dani819 said...

So glad to hear that you are walking into this new year with joy, hope, and head held high. Wishing you the sweetest of blessings this year. L'shanah tova, my dear friend.

AnnaMarie said...

"this past year has taught me so much about the co-mingling of the light and the dark, of devastation and joy. But somehow I feel ready for the journey."

This post was such a beautiful read! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm so happy that you are finding a balance with remembering Ezra and feeling joy over the Sunflower.

Fireflyforever said...

I felt bathed in such warmth reading this post - it was just beautiful. I have been walking a similar path with my new pregnancy too, seeking to find the joy. I have yet to celebrate/cherish/encounter Emma's first birthday. I don't yet know how the two will co-exist in a few short weeks. I hope with the degree of grace that is evident in you. Happy New Year, Sarah.

CLC said...

Happy New Year to you! I am hoping with you! And I can't wait to meet that pregnant belly in person!

Michele said...

Happy New Year, Sarah. May this year be full of joy and peace.

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

L'shana tova, Sarah. This is beautiful, and warms my heart. Much love and looking forward to seeing you for a real hug in less than a week. :)

Rach said...

Happy New Year to you Sarah. And thank you for a beautiful post. Like Sally, wish I was there with you. xxx