Friday, July 16, 2010

Gone

I never intended to stop writing in this space when my Sunflower arrived.

I will admit that for much of the past six and a half months, I pretty much shelved my grief. It's not that it hasn't been present. I haven't had time to be present with it. Particularly in the first several months, I found parenting a living child to be far more challenging than I ever imagined. Not that I would trade it for anything. It just surprised me that I found it overwhelming...isn't this what I had been waiting for at least the last three years? This was supposed to be the easy part, the happy ending, no?

And it has been happy. Micah gives me a good reason to have a heart full of joy every single day. My Sunflower loves to smile and laugh...big huge belly laughs. It feels like he was sent to us to bring the laughter back into our home, to make sure we smile every day. I actually didn't know it was possible to be this happy again. And yet full of joy or not, my heart still has a hole in it.

Lately the grief has been getting to me, something about Micah turning 6 months and the slow march toward our grief season of August seems to have created the perfect storm. Ezra would be nearly two years old. And when I stop to try to wrap my mind around that, the idea that in a different universe I'd be running after a TWO year old while my 6 month old desparately trys to crawl, I just crumble.

I look back at these almost two years and I almost don't believe it is my life. How did I become this woman, the mother of two boys, one so wriggly and ALIVE, and the other so positively and absolutely...gone.

I just miss him, I really really do.

14 comments:

mrsmaynard said...

I hear you on ALL OF IT, the challenge that comes unforeseen with parenting a living baby, and parenting a living baby after loss, which is a whole different creature, and just missing them and that craziness that we both would have a 2 year old and a 6 month old right now. It's crazy.

erica said...

Right here with you. It's hard, balancing the longing and the sadness with the joy. And August is just hard.

Hope's Mama said...

I hear you my friend, loud and clear. I have felt a real pull back to my blog of late, and I'm sure the fact that August is almost upon us (again) is no co-incidence.
I'm so proud we get to parent all four of our babies together, Sarah.
xo

Paige said...

You speak my heart's words, Sarah. xo

Tracey said...

Yes. Definitely understand.

Missing all that is gone, for you, for us, for us all.

Gal said...

With you, Sarah. So with you. Sending love.

Funsize said...

I feel you on all of this- I never knew that parenting a live baby would be so hard. It's so different than I imagined. Then again, this life is so different than how I imagined.

CLC said...

Sending you hugs. It is hard, every part that you mentioned. I wish you had both your boys wiggling away in your arms.

Sophie said...

I hear you too. Lots of hugs. xx

Ya Chun said...

Ditto what you said and all of the above!

It seems that I am not the only one wandering back to our space today. I just seemed time today, and I seem to have more time too. Well, I am going to make some at least... I hope you can too!

Rach said...

Sending you lots of hugs and love.

I think the same things...

xxx

Monique said...

I can hardly believe it's been 2 years too and still wonder how the hell any of this happened and how we became these people. I'm so glad you have Micah to bring some joy into your lives yet know the pain of losing Ezra is a hole that cannot be filled. Much love to you all.

aliza said...

i hear you too sarah and feel so much the same. the grief and missing just hover over me as i play and smile with my living baby.
sending you love and thinking of our almost two year olds.
xoxo

Sara said...

Sarah, my details and timing differ, but emotionally I have been here and return here from time to time.

Thinking of you as August approaches.