Sunday, August 29, 2010

Two years...

Two years ago today at this time, everything was fine. In fact it was more than fine, I couldn't have been happier. It was a glorious late summer day (just as it promises to be today). I still remember the spring in my step as I walked my enormously pregnant self to the hospital for the tests my doctor recommended 'just to be safe'. I loved being pregnant with Ezra, and swollen ankles and all, that day was no exception.

I had absolutely no inkling how drastically and completely the world was about to come crashing down around me.

In the two years since, I've come to own my new self...more sad, more cynical, more connected, more compassionate. But sometimes I do miss that naive happy woman.

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But this day is not about me. It's been two years today since Ezra quietly slipped away. Two years since I was sent home from those tests as everything looked 'ok'. Two years since that car ride home where I started feeling 'stomach cramps', two years since I was balled up in bed with the worst kind of abdominal pain ever, much more so than my labor with Micah. Two years since that dreadful car ride back to the hospital. Two years since we heard those words 'your baby has passed away.'

And I still don't really believe it all happened. If I really focus in on that cruel truth, it makes me want to howl hysterically like I did in the first moments after we learned he was gone. How is it that my big boy, my first boy is not here?

My sweet sweet Ezra, I miss you and love you so very much. Every day. Especially today. Always.

10 comments:

Catherine W said...

Thinking of you and your family today. Remembering your beloved son, Ezra.

Danielle said...

I know, sweetie- we live with it every day, but there are days when you think "This actually HAPPENED" and it knocks you down anew.

I am thinking of sweet Ezra today, and will be thinking of him tomorrow on his birthday. Much love to you.

still life angie said...

Holding you and David close and remembering the important life of Ezra, taken too soon. Loved by so many. Xo

myskytimes said...

I don't know if August holds more sad birthday than the other months (or is it because I've just been through the 3rd dirthday of my own son)... every one is one too many.

Thinking of you and your Family today. Will be lighting Sky's candle for you tonight. RIP sweet little Ezra.

Fireflyforever said...

Oh Sarah, wishing that your big boy was here with your little one.

Holding you all in my thoughts today.

Sophie said...

Remembering sweet Ezra. He has such a sweet gentle little face in that photo. So beautiful. I am so sorry he isn't here today. Sending much love to you all. xx

Hope's Mama said...

Missing him and loving him with you. Today and always.
Love to you, David and little brother Micah.
May the love and support of your friends here give you strength today.
xo

Sara said...

Sarah, I've been thinking of you—sorry it is so long since I've been in touch. Thinking of you and remembering Ezra today especially.

"How is it that my big boy, my first boy is not here?" I always ask, not why, but how, It continues to feel surreal, impossible, unimaginable, though true.

CLC said...

Thinking of you and Ezra and the rest of your family on this sorrowful day. I want to howl along with you. It still doesn't make sense.

Paige said...

Remembering your firstborn son and big brother, Ezra and sending you, David, and Micah much love today and always.