Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Unbearable Sadness of Being

What's it like to me these days? Just incredibly pathetically sad. I go through every day with that hardness at the back of my throat, like I'm just about to cry. And then I do cry. Every day. Since Ezra died, I cry like I've never cried before. It's a cry that comes from deep within me, a cry of anguish. If I ever thought I knew sadness before this I was wrong...I have never known true sadness until now.

I keep trying to figure out when I became a character in this tragic play. I don't even recognize myself. I call this character Sad Sarah, the one who looks back at me in the mirror with those sad sad eyes. David too has transformed into another character in the same tragedy, Doleful David I call him. Together, we march along on this journey of pathos, so disconnected from our former selves.

I truly believe I have lost my capacity to feel joy. Fleeting moments of happiness are still possible. I still smile from time to time, even laugh. But the sadness is always there, gnawing at my soul. My father admitted that after I called from the hospital to say our baby was gone, that driving in the car there, he wondered if I would ever smile again. Smile I will...I can't help myself...but not in the same way.

Joy is so elusive right now that happy moments make me burst into tears..the contrast to my sadness is just too much to bear. Dancing the hora at my friend's wedding this weekend was one of those moments...I wanted to celebrate the couple's love, this celebration of their union...and yet despite my intent, the tears bubbled to the surface, uncontrollably.

The depth of the sadness is so great, that I don't even know how I'm a walking, talking, functioning person right now. It surprises me every day.


Alexa said...

I just wanted to say how terribly sorry I am for the loss of your dear boy. He was truly a beautiful baby.

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

You are so not alone, Sarah. You are exactly where you should be. You can only just be here, and let the tears flow. Let them flow as much as they need to flow. You're right, you're never going to be the same. That's hard, and it sucks. And I'm sorry. So sorry you're here. Just know you're not alone.

GlassyJudy said...

I've just come accross your blog after doing a google search for "unbearable sadness," which is how I still feel of lost love ones. Ezra was indeed a beautiful, beautiful child. I hope that, as time goes by, day by day, that the ache in your heart will be soothed away with all that love that surrounds you and your husband.