Sunday, July 19, 2009

Quiet

It's been quiet in this space for a couple weeks, ever since I wrote about the Sunflower. I'm now 14 wks and 1 day. It's not that I don't have things to say. It's that I don't quite know how to say them.

My wise therapist pointed out last week that I seem to be doing a lot of self-censoring. And the end result is that it's only making me more anxious all of the time. I don't want to talk too much about this pregnancy to other babylost mamas unless they are also pregnant or already had their "rainbow baby" after a loss. I don't want to talk to non-babylost pregnant ladies about all the fears about this pregnancy that chatter away in my mind. In general it just seems like everyone in the non-babylost world is so much more excited and so much more sure that all will turn out ok, than I could ever possibly be--and I don't want to tell them that either. This leaves me with way too much time on my own in my own head.

My intent in this pregnancy has always been to be as present as possible in the renewed hope, joy and love that the Sunflower has brought. I gave Ezra so much love as he grew inside my belly, the Sunflower deserves the same. Indeed, the hope, joy and love is there every day. But these beautiful emotions sit alongside something else that was never present when I was pregnant with Ezra:

I'm terrified.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder if this baby isn't already dead. Even though I'm starting to feel little flutters of movement. Each twinge or unexplained pain makes me imagine I'm miscarrying or going into labor. Even though I had all those same random twinges and pains while pregnant with Ezra. Although I'm beginning to show, I worry the baby isn't growing enough. My mind wanders to every possible thing that could already be wrong...congenital deformities, genetic disorders...

I wish there was an off switch for my mind. The constant negative chatter is really getting to me.

I really don't want to be THIS pregnant lady. The one filled with constant worry and fear. I miss the OLD pregnant me.

The one who positively glowed through every day of the 33 weeks and 5 days I got to carry Ezra. Nobody could wipe the grin off my face.

The one who practically skipped around town with her ever-growing belly. Even the morning of the day he died, I joyfully walked on my own to the hospital.

The one who gleefully announced she was pregnant to large audiences before sitting down in a chair to teach or train in those final months. I don't even want to tell people I'm pregnant this time round.

The one who never even realized there were so many many things to be scared about while pregnant. And now I'm scared of them all. Every single thing that could go wrong. Not just what happened to Ezra.

I wish I could have just a little of the old pregnant me back. I miss her.




27 comments:

angie said...

Sarah, Though I might not be on the same path as you yet, I am still trying to walk with you and help you on your beautiful journey. I can certainly empathize with your anxiety, your terror and your fears, even though I don't have another in the belly. So when you need a hand to hold for a minute or two, just know that. And if you need it to be someone who is also pregnant, hoping you find that. Wishing you much peace, grounding and calm.

Hope's Mama said...

Sarah, I think you know I am with you on every single word here. You have jumped in to my own thoughts, stolen them and put them on your blog! I'm with you Sarah, just six weeks ahead but I am with you.
Also totally and utterly terrified.
Holding your hand from afar.

Sara said...

Sarah, change a few names and I could have written this post last year. I wish you could have the old, happy, confident, pregnant you back too. I hope you find moments of peace and joy and confidence in this pregnancy. I do believe that Sunflower will know how much he/she is loved even if you never feel the same joy and continue to be reluctant to talk about your pregnancy. Email me if you want to talk to a mom who's had her rainbow baby. I'm always happy to listen.

Michele said...

I feel that way too most times. I wish I could be the "old me" who didnt think of preterm labor or babies dying or incompetent cervixes or anything like that. I thought about nursery furniture and baby showers and babies playing in the womb. Babies that died? No... That couldnt happen... Not to us... Not to anyone...

I'm convinced after losing Alexander AFTER losing Nicholas & Sophia that we truly arent guaranteed anything but the moment. I mourn the moments I dont have but I cant let the moments I do slip away... Because, God forbid, I do lose these babies, I need those memories. I need to know that I had beautiful days with them... Moments that I will never forget... Memories that will have to sustain me. I dont want the days to end but if they do, I need to know that I didnt "waste" any of them.

I know it's hard. I know that you are scared. I know because I'm scared, too, and I think it is something that all orphaned parents feel, especially when pregnant again. But you also know how happy Sunflower is to hear your voice and to feel your hands stroking the outside of the womb... How precious those moments are. In the worst moments, put your hands on your belly and think a positive thought towards your little one... A little one that Ezra is watching over... A little one that will carry a piece of him in their heart...

We will get through this, Sarah. We will. It will be hard and it will be a scary journey, but no matter what happens, we will love these babies and hold them close to our hearts. And we will make it through.

Cara said...

Sarah - you know I'm done having kids, but I'm following so many pregnancies and truly, I'm terrified for each and every one of you. Yes, there is hope, for without it we would be unable to go on, but everytime one of my friends makes a face, bends a weird way, or (god forbid) says they haven't felt the baby move for a few minutes....I freak.

So exicted and scared for you...all at once.

Paige said...

What Sally said. Much love. xo

Dani819 said...

Yup. And what Angie said, from me.

Love you.

Monique said...

Yes, what Angie said exactly. I think of you daily with love.

AnnaMarie said...

Oh Sarah, I hope you can find a better balance between the carefree feelings of your last pregnancy and the worry of this one. Peace to you during Sunflowers' gestation.

Delia said...

This post says it all. All of those emotions that you're feeling right now and will continue to feel for the rest of this pregnancy is exactly how I felt when I was carrying my daughter, Clarissa. Hang in there and know that we're with you, every minute of the way!

erica said...

Me, too. I was expecting some terror, I think, but not so much of it, and I am really hoping it gets easier as the weeks pass.

Love to you and Sunflower. Be as kind to yourself as you can.

Catherine W said...

I wish that I could bring the old pregnant you back for you too Sarah. Even just a smidge.

I can't imagine, it must be terrifying. But I'm sure Sunflower knows that he or she is loved. I don't know but I think that love is stronger stuff than terror.

And I feel certain that Ezra knew how much you loved him. He was loved through his all existence here on this earth and still is loved and cherished to this very day.

I hope and wish that you can get rid of that negative chattering for just a few seconds, to have a few seconds of undiluted peace, contentment and hope for you and your family in this pregnancy. But I can only imagine how impossibly hard that can be.

Hugs, sorry about the long ramble of a comment xx
xx

Lani said...

i'm on the angie train too...
lots of love to you
xo

mrsmaynard said...

Me too. All of it.
I thought once I heard the babies heartbeat I would fine, I thought once I hit 12 weeks I would be fine, now I am saying that after Wednesday's ultrasound I will feel more at ease. I never feel more at ease. I am not sure I ever will, but I can hope.
It's hard walking this path.

Lindsay said...

I'm waiting to be where you are, but just because I am not, doesn't mean you will offend me. I'm happy for you and I'm sure you are scared. I told K that if it did happen for us, he couldn't tell anyone until I'm ready b/c I already know I will be terrified. You are sweet to want to spare hurt feelings, but getting your emotions out there is a possible outlet for you. You may feel better.
I'm hoping with you and praying for you..
Love Lindsay

Mirne said...

I miss the old pregnant me too. But she's gone. I have to deal with the new me. The me as I am now. The me who has to deal with pregnancy every day. On a day only basis. I try not to think too much about tomorrow. Because I'm terrified too.

m said...

Dear Sarah, I am not on the same journey yet, but it doesn't mean I can't sympathize. Hold you hand. Read your words. We have not even moved towards a frozen embryo transfer yet and the thoughts you have expressed sometimes freeze me in place.

I wish I could tell you not to be scared, but I know that won't help. Please just keep writing. Write it out. I'll be here. Hoping and waiting and wishing you as much peace as you can hold.

Ya Chun said...

ah, don't edit on your own blog- what's the point of having a blog then?

the point is that everyone is at a different place, and some of those places are the ones I want to get to! I have to see how others are making it!

And, if I can't read a post, I skip it, and I often don't have something to say, so I won't comment. But you can and should still write what you need to write!

Carly Marie said...

I am terrified along with you friend xxx

afteriris said...

My rainbow baby arrived 3 weeks ago and I still find myself clutching my belly, worrying I haven't felt him move before remembering that of course I haven't, because I've given birth.

It is a terrifying journey. I wish I had some wisdom to share. The only thing I can say is that even though the journey seemed interminably long at the time, with hindsight it seemed to pass in the blink of an eye.

Now Moe is here, I almost find it easier to love Iris because I can think of her in her own right rather than with fear for her brother.

Sending strength,

Jess x

Fireflyforever said...

Just ... YES. Absolutely, yes.

Rach said...

Sarah, I am here with you, on this journey. I may not be in the same place but like Angie and Monique and many others, I still want to be here with you. And be here to support you how I can. I know that sometimes you need to find support from someone with a growing tummy but I am here with you, when you need. Like I have said to Sally, we are here for the long haul, for all the days.

I have been quiet too. Just stil trying to find the strength to write and not think about which member of my family will be reading it.

Here with you, my sweet friend.

Love Rach
xxx

CLC said...

It is terrifying and there's no way out of it but through it. Just take it one minute at a time. It sounds like you have the right attitude in being as present as you can be. I'll be here rooting you on!

Samaria said...

I miss that old pregnant woman, and even more so that old mom, thankfully he was born ok but the paranoia and fear of losing him continues..it just seems to never end.

Sophie said...

Oh gosh Sarah I feel the same way. At 24 weeks the fear is still there too. I wish I could have that old pregnancy back...the one where the trip to the baby shop isn't bittersweet. I have only just started 'shopping' in defiance of the fear and I still feel drawn to all the pink stuff.

I have these fears daily too. Please email me/message me if you ever want to chat. I'm here for you all the way.

The sunflowers are divine by the way. I think I might have to try growing me some of them!

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

You have to acknowledge the fear, I think - otherwise it just gets bigger and more overwhelming. I'm here to help you hold it, and also to help you hold the love, joy and hope you also feel for your Sunflower. Love.

k@lakly said...

I know so well those feelings. I had them too. The terror, the wanting to believe, the needing to love and to feel all of the happy pg feelings but the fear that having them might make it worse of it all got ripped away again.
Unfortunately, there is no way around this, but through this. You will get there, you will. Every moment and every step you take gets you that much closer. I'll be here, holding my breath and sending you every positive baby vibe I can.
xxoo