Saturday, August 1, 2009

16 weeks

Time feels like it's standing still. Not that I want to rush this pregnancy, but for all of the emotions I've experienced so far, it feels like I should be 36 weeks not 16. Everything remains healthy and good...at least as far as I know. The real fun begins once I'm 20 weeks and onward, which will be the riskiest time for me given my "history".

The anxiety seems to have settled into my being, a constant presence that doesn't even surprise me anymore. It's settled into my GI system, and also keeps me from sleeping through the night. I'm trying to address this with accupuncture and prenatal massage, and hopefully will start doing prenatal pilates soon (if I can ever wake up in time!)

But I also feel a little more assured in this pregnancy. At least some days I'm more able to tell people about the Sunflower, more able to talk in vague terms about my plans for maternity leave in January. I just can't wrap my mind around too many of the specifics, like birth plans (anything that results in a live baby is fine!), length of leave or what we'll do for child care. I wouldn't be surprised if I don't buy a single item in advance for this baby.

It does feel like many people are way more excited or way more sure all will work out than I possibly can be right now. I think people's discomfort with the death and loss that have defined my year causes them to be more hyper excited than necessary. I'm constantly reminding people, 'yes it's exciting, but it's also scary.' I feel like a broken record.

My relationship to my grief for Ezra has changed drastically during this pregnancy. I can't fully be present in the depths of sadness that were there before. But being pregnant has also brought out new layers of the sadness - I'm grieving the pregnancy, all the hope and expectation and excitement.

In one week we leave for a week at the beach with my family, the very same beach where we stayed for a week just weeks before Ezra died. Some of my last distinct happy memories of having Ezra with me are from that trip...waddling down the beach enormously pregnant, feeling him kick and move as I stretched out in the sun. It's also the same beach where we went on our own for a weekend in October to get through his due date...some of the few moments of peace we found in those early months. I know this trip will be emotional...but I also know that I can't help but find peace at the beach.

Ezra's first birthday is less than a month away. I can't really fathom that it's almost been a full year without my baby boy.

16 comments:

Michele said...

Thinking of you guys as Ezra's birthday approaches...

"I think people's discomfort with the death and loss that have defined my year causes them to be more hyper excited than necessary." We experienced this with Alexander's pregnancy. I almost think that losing him taught other people a lesson and, this time around, people are more cautious. I dont know that it is better... Almost like people dont know how to invest in our babies anymore.

So happy to hear the Sunflower is doing so well. Music to my ears. :)

Sara said...

"I'm constantly reminding people, 'yes it's exciting, but it's also scary.' I feel like a broken record." Sounds so familiar.

Have a good trip. May it be restful and healing in some way.

Thinking of you as Ezra's birthday approaches.

Hope's Mama said...

Remembering with you right through August and beyond. Excited and scared with you as always.
xo

AnnaMarie said...

(((HUGS)))

Wishing love and peace for you and your family while the Sunflower grows.

Mirne said...

People don't know how to deal with your loss of Ezra, so there's no way they know how to respond to your fear during this pregnancy. That's just the way it is.

Hoping everything continues to go well.

(By the way, you'll get to a stage where you'll simply be sooooo tired that anxiety will not be able to keep you awake at night.) :-)

Barbara said...

Sending you virtual hugs and a hope for peace.

xxx

m said...

Hoping you find some peace (and dare to dream, some very happy moments) at the beach with your family.

Thank you for letting us walk with you in this.

afteriris said...

I found during my subsequent pregnancy that people love the idea that you can be 'fixed', that there is some resolution to your story. The truth is that Moe's birth isn't a happy ending because Iris is part of our family and we love her for who she is and the tragedy that she is no longer with us is part of her. Grief for lost babies is so complex. There's layers and layers of joy, anger, hope, despair, love, sadness an everything in between and beyond.

Hurrah for 16 weeks! Thinking of your gorgeous Sunflower and your sweet Ezra. x

Paige said...

Others' enthusiasm is hard to take for me too, so I find myself tempering my own excitement. Nothing is guaranteed and every ending isn't happy.

Sending you strength for your trip to the beach, and love enough to sustain you through August, and then through January. xo

Amanda said...

((((HUGS)))) as you go to the beach. I hope you can find some peace there w/ Ezra and this new sunflower. YAY for 16 weeks. I am just 2 ahead of you so here for you anytime. I feel like I should be at 36 as well. Just take it a day at a time. Thinking of you, Ezra and Sunflower....

Funsize said...

I can't believe our it's been nearly a year without our babies. The grief still feels just as intense- different, but still there and full blown.

I'm excited for you. I want this pregnancy to have a good outcome for you, and I am so hopeful for you.

xoxo

erica said...

Not very many people know about my pregnancy yet, but I know they want to be really, really happy for me, and I feel like a wet blanket much of the time. I hope the acupuncture and massage help with the anxiety and the sleeping.

Ya Chun said...

hyper excited sounds about what I would expect from people, esp the people that didn't say enough this last year - overcompensating anyone???

have a peaceful week at the beach!

Monique said...

I know this will be difficult for you, Sarah. Holding you & Ezra tight. xo

Rach said...

You know I am thinking of you, even more now that August is here.

And I am so pleased that our Sunflower is doing well, so very well.

I may be quiet at times but, I am here. Just a little in the shadows some days...

xxx

Laura said...

Sarah,
I have seen so many sunflowers recently, and took many photos at the Gardens in Victoria, BC. I was thinking of framing of something for you....can I e-mail you some photos?