Saturday, August 15, 2009

18 weeks, 1 day

We're home from vacation. I can't say I'm happy about it. We packed up this morning, said goodbye to my parents, got in the car and I burst into tears. I don't want to go back to our real life, where I'm one of the saddest most anxious people I know, with the exception of other babylost mamas and papas....where I wake up in the middle of almost every night worrying about money and whether Sunflower will survive...where the only things I have to look forward to now are Ezra's 1st birthday and my terrifying (for me at least) 20 week ultrasound. Its been a very weepy day.

Despite the waterworks, we managed as always to find some quiet peace...a walk on a beautiful beach, a delicious lunch, even a little 'retail therapy' (aka new shoes).

The approach of Ezra's first birthday is hitting me hard. I miss my little boy, and all the time we were supposed to have together. On some level, I'm revisiting the disbelief...I can't believe this happened to us, that our baby boy isn't here.

In better news, the Sunflower is growing and beginning to move more and more. I feel her kick and move several times each day. Here's a belly shot taken today:

27 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

Look at that flower blossom.
xo

Paige said...

Beautiful flower and beautiful mama. I won't say welcome home, as I know reality bites. Glad you had some peaceful time away, wish it could've been longer. xo

Akul's mama said...

I wish Ezra was in your arms and sunflower in your womb right now. I know that is teh only way you would feel complete. Sending lots of love your way ...to Ezra, sunflower and you.

k@lakly said...

You both look beautiful. Go easy on yourself in the days ahead. I know it's a rough road. One step at atime my friend. It's the best you can do.
xxoo

Funsize said...

Wow, you look so beautiful, you're glowing that pregnancy glow.

And who couldn't use retail therapy? I live for it!

xoxo

Mirne said...

What a beautiful photo! You look gorgeous. I'm happy that you enjoyed your week at the beach.

Rach said...

You are beautiful.
xxx

Monique said...

you look gorgeous. so glad you got away but sad you have to come home :(

Michele said...

You look beautiful.

Coming home from a vacation, especially with the fears that losing a child brings, is so tough... I am sending you warm thoughts and many prayers...

Lindsay said...

You do look beautiful. Take comfort in those kicks.
Much love
Lindsay

afteriris said...

Lovely, lovely photo.

I'm glad your holiday was good. I thought Ezra's name in the sand looked beautiful in your last post. It must have been bittersweet and beautiful to write it for yourself. I look forward to doing that for Iris one day.

Barbara said...

You look beautiful.

xxx

Dani819 said...

Sorry the homecoming is more bitter than sweet. Here with you through the 20 week US, Ezra's birthday, and beyond. Sunflower's looking good in there.

CLC said...

You look beautiful with that baby bump! It's mind boggling how much life can change in a year, isn't it? I am feeling disbelief for you. Thinking of you both.

Sara said...

Keep growing, little Sunflower!

AnnaMarie said...

Awww, the belly is looking good!

Much love as you settle back into "real" life.

Inanna said...

Look at you! How exciting! :))

erica said...

Approaching birthdays can be so hard. I'm sending lots of love and hope to you and the sunflower.

And this photo of you makes me smile; it's just gorgeous.

Cara said...

Gorgeous -- just gorgeous. You are growing a beautiful baby there and I hear you about going 'home'. I wasn't really away from here but felt very far away.

Coming back wasn't easy.

Take care of yourself and that sunflower! xoxo

Jenni said...

lovely picture. i hear you about the family thing. even though mine can drive me crazy, i cry whenever i leave them - no matter how long or shot the visit. it's tough not to want to be "mommy'd" during times like this. hugs to you and your sunflower.

Samaria said...

u loook great *hugs*. When Saige's 1 year came around I just felt so weird. I felt like that entire year was just a fluke and right before March 28th she'd come back.

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

Thinking of you and holding you close to my heart this month. You look beautiful...

Amanda said...

You look wonderful!! Glad you had a nice getaway. We all need that my time to time. So wonderful to hear that sunflower is 18+ wks!!

Lani said...

sending lots of love to you sarah. i've missed you! you look beautiful.
thinking of you, david and ezra this month. xo

Lea said...

Hi Sarah,

You and sunflower look gorgeous.

Sounds like you found some peace on your vacation, I'm glad.

We are so close in our 'rainbow journey'.... I have my 20 week scan tomorrow.

aliza said...

i'm revisiting the disbelief too...wish it were all different.

you do look beautiful and rested

xox

Sophie said...

Looking good Sarah. I wish you could have stayed there so much longer.

xx