Monday, August 31, 2009

Thank You

Thank you for everyone for making this weekend, Ezra's weekend, so incredibly special. Thank you for all the cards, the emails, the blog comments, the calls. Thank you to those who gathered with us, and to those who held us from afar.

Ezra's weekend was horrible and wonderful all at once. Saturday, the one year anniversary of his death was tough. We made no plans for Saturday, knowing intuitively that we would need to allow the day to just unfold. All day I just felt off, grumpy, sad, moody, just missing my Ezra. I didn't feel like doing much, but I did plan on baking treats for the gathering we were holding on Ezra's birthday. Baking is something I love, something that comes easily, something I wanted to do for my Ezra. So when I destroyed not one, but two separate cakes, it put me over the edge. I sobbed and sobbed, deep wails that haven't come out in months. I sobbed until I felt like I was going to throw up. All those feelings of failure from early on in this grief journey came rushing back...I'm such a screwup that I couldn't protect my Ezra, I can't even bake a cake. Not rational I know.

My sweet David insisted we go on a walk. I didn't want to go, I didn't feel like doing anything, just wanted to feel sorry for myself. He said it was nice out, I thought it looked grey. We started walking, I said it looked like rain, he said no. A few blocks later, I heard the rumble of thunder, he thought the storm was far off. Another couple rumbles later, I insisted we turn back. And a block later, the skies opened. It didn't just rain, it flooded. We were instantly drenched. And despite myself I started to laugh. And suddenly I knew that this was Ezra's way of lightening my mood, of making sure I didn't sink too deeply into my grief. Later I read Angie's post about the rainbow Ezra showed her and her family during the same storm, and I knew it was true.

Sunday, Ezra's first birthday, we gathered with family and friends to unveil Ezra's gravestone. In Jewish tradition, the gravestone is usually placed 11 to 12 months after the burial. Together with our friends and family we sang songs, read prayers, and heard stories and poems which we had chosen for the occasion. Before we read Kaddish, the Jewish prayer for the dead, we said out loud the names of many of the babies of our babylost parent friends. It was a gorgeous day in every way imaginable.






At the end of the ceremony, as is tradition, each person attending left stones on Ezra's grave, symbolizing the permanence of his memory. But many more stones were left than people were present, as we experienced a hug that spanned at least 4 continents. Stones, pebbles and shells had been sent by friends across the globe - babylost friends in the blog world, friends in our real lives. It was so incredible to see how many lives our little boy has touched.


22 comments:

Sophie said...

That is so beautiful. I have never heard of the tradition with stones, shells and pebbles. Just beautiful.

Your walk and the storm made me smile. My little girl does that too. I know how it feels when she communicates through nature. :)

Despite everything, you and your husband look good. Thankyou for sharing your special day for Ezra. Wishing you peace and joy in the coming year.
xx

Paige said...

Oh Sarah, I love the story of the rain. That was absolutely Ezra, I know it!

The photos from Sunday are heartbreakingly beautiful. Seeing you, full of new life, and David, standing before Ezra's grave brings a lump to my throat but warms my heart, knowing the incredible love that was surrounding you all. Love you guys very much. xo

Louisa said...

I love the stones, shells and pebbles that is really beautiful..

Tina said...

Your Ezra had quite a sense of humor...making it rain on his mommy and daddy like that! The traditions you speak of are so beautiful. Thank you for sharing these precious moments with us. xx

Akul's mama said...

It is amazing how baby lost moms come togethet even though we all live in distant lands.

Hope's Mama said...

So much love to all four of you.
xo

Just Breathe said...

I know the day was hard, I am so sorry. The stone is beautiful and I love the tradition. God bless.

Carly Marie said...

Thank you Sarah, for sharing Ezra's day with us all.

I can't find any words. Just tears.

xxxxx

Rach said...

What a lovely/sad/lovely story of Ezra's first birthday. I wish I had known about the pebbles and shells but, we were there with you in spirit.

Much love.
xxx

Barbara said...

Thank you for sharing Ezra Malik with us.

xxx

angie said...

Sarah, thank you for including me on Ezra's day and in the unveiling. It was stunningly beautiful. When the names of our babies were read, I wept. You are just so incredibly compassionate and loving to include us all. Seeing all the stones on his grave was breathtaking. I could feel the love for you and David and Ezra and Sunflower. With love, my dear friend.

Sara said...

Love Ezra's sense of humor and that you were able to laugh. I do think laughter is as necessary in grieving as tears--both have their own place. Continued love and strength to you as you continue on this journey.

Lindsay said...

I wish I had known. I wish I could have been there with you all.
Thank you for honoring other babies as well.
You guys honored your sweet Ezra's life in a beautiful way.

Heather said...

Beautiful. I just came across your blog from Carly's and wanted to let you know how touching your story is. It makes me smile about the storm and cry about your loss. Thinking of you.

Michele said...

Oh Sarah... This was so beautiful. I cried during the pictures. What a gorgeous ceremony. Thank you for sharing this with all of us.

And I had to smile at the rain storm. We always call the rain "kisses from heaven" and know the babies are wrapping us in their kisses. I think Ezra just wanted to give you lots and lots of kisses!

Kristy said...

What a beautiful tribute to your son. I'm sure he was looking down with huge smiles, knowing how much he is loved and missed.

Thank you for sharing this special day with us.

*hugs*

Lani said...

beautiful sarah. i love the photos and your sharing of your really tough weekend. lots of love xo

erica said...

Thank you for sharing these pictures and words. Ezra's stone is beautiful, and so his his family. Sending much love.

CLC said...

His head stone is beautiful. I am glad the weekend turned out ok. That's weird to write, but I hope you know what I mean. Thinking of you both.

Once A Mother said...

What a beautiful way to honor your sweet Ezra. I love that you had people send you stones to place in their absence, it was like they were there celebrating your little one with you. thank you for sharing.

Ya Chun said...

Sarah--
I am so sorry I was not here to post last weekend. This little beanie growing in me is making me sick and tired.

I love that you had family and friends graveside on Ezra's birthday. That is special. The rocks and shells are wonderful.

Ezra's spirit is always with you, may that bring you peace.

And that belly is gorgeous!

Monique said...

I'm sorry I'm late to this post, catching up from being away.

I'm sorry the cakes didn't turn out - I had a similiar experience with my brother & my birthday cake and felt like everything I touch turns to shit. But I'm glad Ezra was able to turn things around for you, I have a hunch he's a little trickster and always giggling & having fun.

You look absolutely beautiful, Sarah. I love that belly shot. You are a gorgeous mother to both your little men. Sending so much love & hugs.