The Sunflower

When we returned home last night, there was a present waiting for us in the garden. The first of my sunflowers had bloomed while we were gone. It was like being handed a smile. I've been cultivating these sunflowers since late April, when I planted many seeds in a pot inside, shooing the cats away and watching them sprout. As it warmed up in May, I moved the pot outside. Some of them wilted and died, but many of my sunflowers took root, and eventually I dug them up and replanted them throughout the garden. I've continued to cultivate them, pulling weeds and staking them where necessary as they grew higher and higher. The ridiculous June rains (it rained something like 24 out of June's 30 days this year) helped too. And now a first bloom! There are a number of others ready to pop within the next week or so. I love sunflowers!

The fact is that I have always loved sunflowers, they always make me smile. My dad used to grow them in the backyard for me when I was a kid. My college dorm room was adorned with posters of Van Gogh's sunflowers, and whenever they are cheap and available I've been known to buy cut sunflowers for myself. One of my dearest friends bought me a mug and a plate painted with sunflowers, and they are my favorite to use for breakfast. David knows better than to buy roses for my birthday or our anniversary...I'm a sunflower kind of girl. Sunflowers are bold and beautiful, and they never cease to cheer me up, no matter how low my mood.

Over the past number of weeks, we've been cultivating a different kind of sunflower, a ray of hope, that also makes us smile. As of today I am 12 weeks pregnant. We've been calling this baby the Sunflower since the very beginning, because despite all the sadness, she can't help but make us smile. (We are both utterly convinced the Sunflower is a girl, even though it is way too early to know).

So far everything is very healthy and good. Now being considered squarely high-risk, I've already had 3 ultrasounds, and the Sunflower continues to have a steady heartbeat and to grow and grow. My belly is beginning to swell, and soon the Sunflower will be apparent to everybody.

Over the past 12 weeks, joy and hope have had a more steady presence in our lives. We can't help ourselves. I try to stay as present in the joy and hope as possible. We already talk to the Sunflower and let her know how loved and desired she is. But the Sunflower has unearthed a full palette of other emotions...sadness, anxiety, fear. I have been so emotional throughout this pregnancy....terrified of losing the Sunflower, grieving my blissful pregnancy with Ezra. Physically and emotionally this pregnancy has been so very different than my pregnancy with Ezra.

I haven't told that many people about the Sunflower. In some ways I have an overwhelming desire to hide in a cave for the 9 months, and emerge only if/when I have a live baby to show for my efforts. For the people I have told, mostly close friends, babylost mamas and my coworkers, I have felt compelled to share the news but within the same breath make clear I'm both excited and terrified. I need those around me to understand that although I am happy, I also have no illusions about the risks involved.

But the joy is there, ever present, always growing. Afterall, sunflowers always make me smile.

Here's some shots of the Sunflower:

And finally, here's some gratuitous shots of my garden. Its really come together this year: