Sunday, October 18, 2009

Ezra's Space

When I started this blog nearly a year ago, it was to create a space for all things Ezra...a space where I could voice my love for Ezra, my deep despair that he was gone, and all the other tumultuous emotions of this journey of grief. This blog is Ezra's space, a place where I can broadcast all that comes from that space in my heart which he will always inhabit.

Of course over the last 6 months, a new being, Ezra's baby brother, has begun to inhabit Ezra's space. Sunflower is by no means a replacement for Ezra. And yet he does inhabit a space that was originally intended for Ezra. Ezra was my firstborn, and so the first to ever live in my womb. Ezra taught my body how to carry a baby, and let Sunflower know when the time was right to join us.

So too, Sunflower inhabits a space in my heart that Ezra cultivated. Long before ever conceiving Sunflower, I worried that I would never be able to allow myself to love his younger sibling as much as I love Ezra. I worried that I wouldn't connect with this baby, somehow protecting myself from getting hurt as deeply should he not make it either. A wise friend pointed out that Ezra's little brother or sister did not yet know of Ezra, and that a new baby would need as much love and hope as I put into growing Ezra. Of course she was right. Almost despite myself, I have been deeply in love with Sunflower since the day I learned of his existence. And that love grows and grows with each additional day of kicks, squirms and an ever-swelling belly.

Ezra taught me how to love. The love I feel for both my sons is deeper than anything I have ever known. The love I now share with Ezra and Sunflower's daddy is deeper than anything we could have imagined prior to losing Ezra. This deep love is part of Ezra's legacy.

I sometimes step back in wonder as we make plans for Sunflower, talking about the things we'll do with him and the places we'll go. We made these kinds of plans for Ezra too, and of course none of them were ever realized. I am so filled with hope for Sunflower's future, even as I am filled with regret daily for all that Ezra will never do. Ezra taught us to dream these kinds of dreams.

And so even though many of my recent posts are about Sunflower, this remains Ezra's space. It's a space about love, hope, despair, regret and everything else in between.

16 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

What a beautiful, heartfelt post, Sarah. And it shouldn't be any other way. This space should always be for Ezra. But as your heart grows with love and your belly swells again, that is why you've been able to let Sunflower in to this space as well. I love reading about both your babies here and everything in between.
xo

Once A Mother said...

What a beautiful post. It is fitting that Sunflower should share Ezra's space. It's what brothers do. Sending you love and prayers for little Sunflower, and remembering Ezra with you.

Carly Marie said...

Beautiful, just beautiful.

angie said...

Beautiful, Sarah. With love.

Amanda said...

So wonderfully said. I am glad Sunflower and you are doing good. And I understand the connection between the 2 boys. I feel the same about my two losses and this current pregnancy. (((HUGS)))

Sara said...

Sarah, it is fitting that your boys share this space as they will always share your love. It made me smile to think of you dreaming dreams and making plans for Sunflower.

Lea said...

Sarah - I agree, wholeheartedly. Ezra's space is your space, is sunflower's space... Ezra is just as much a part of this new beautiful life growing inside of you as sunflower is himself. There is no doubt in my mind that sunflower is getting a lot of cheering on from his big brother.

CLC said...

Write whatever you need to write. You don't have to explain yourself here.
Thanks so much for brunch. It was a pleasure to speak with you and Angie in person! I have all of my fingers and toes crossed for you in these next few months!

Ya Chun said...

our firsts certainly did, and continue to, teach us. It is amazing, considering what a short time we had with them.

Akul's mama said...

You have been able to create a beautiful and peaceful balance between Ezra and sunflower. What a great mother you make!!!

Michele said...

What a beautiful post. I hope there is never any doubt that this is Ezra's place... his special, sacred space.

Paige said...

Beautiful post, Sarah. Sending lots of love to you, David, Ezra, and Sunflower. xo

Karen said...

That is just beautiful. I think it's fitting that Sunflower is part of Ezra's space because if Ezra were here his little brother would be becoming part of his world. (((Hugs))) and wishing it was that way.

Lani said...

wow, you just brought me to tears.

as soon as your little sunflower is born, you will fill up with more love then you probably even know how to give. it will be double b/c it will be from ezra too.

awhile back someone wrote that every baby you have shares the dna from each other, and from you and it all mixes together. so no matter what, this new little being will have a piece of ezra with him forever.

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

This is just gorgeous, Sarah, and resonates with such profound truth. Ezra's legacy does indeed live on.

erica said...

Sarah, this post is so beautiful and hopeful and full of love. I keep coming back to it - thank you.