When I started this blog nearly a year ago, it was to create a space for all things Ezra...a space where I could voice my love for Ezra, my deep despair that he was gone, and all the other tumultuous emotions of this journey of grief. This blog is Ezra's space, a place where I can broadcast all that comes from that space in my heart which he will always inhabit.
Of course over the last 6 months, a new being, Ezra's baby brother, has begun to inhabit Ezra's space. Sunflower is by no means a replacement for Ezra. And yet he does inhabit a space that was originally intended for Ezra. Ezra was my firstborn, and so the first to ever live in my womb. Ezra taught my body how to carry a baby, and let Sunflower know when the time was right to join us.
So too, Sunflower inhabits a space in my heart that Ezra cultivated. Long before ever conceiving Sunflower, I worried that I would never be able to allow myself to love his younger sibling as much as I love Ezra. I worried that I wouldn't connect with this baby, somehow protecting myself from getting hurt as deeply should he not make it either. A wise friend pointed out that Ezra's little brother or sister did not yet know of Ezra, and that a new baby would need as much love and hope as I put into growing Ezra. Of course she was right. Almost despite myself, I have been deeply in love with Sunflower since the day I learned of his existence. And that love grows and grows with each additional day of kicks, squirms and an ever-swelling belly.
Ezra taught me how to love. The love I feel for both my sons is deeper than anything I have ever known. The love I now share with Ezra and Sunflower's daddy is deeper than anything we could have imagined prior to losing Ezra. This deep love is part of Ezra's legacy.
I sometimes step back in wonder as we make plans for Sunflower, talking about the things we'll do with him and the places we'll go. We made these kinds of plans for Ezra too, and of course none of them were ever realized. I am so filled with hope for Sunflower's future, even as I am filled with regret daily for all that Ezra will never do. Ezra taught us to dream these kinds of dreams.
And so even though many of my recent posts are about Sunflower, this remains Ezra's space. It's a space about love, hope, despair, regret and everything else in between.
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