Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Huge ~ 28 weeks, 3 days

Everything feels huge right now. My body feels huge. I am slowing down. I get exhausted more easily. I lose my balance. Always a klutz, I've become even klutzier.

But more importantly, the task at hand feels huge...bringing Sunflower safely into the world. Looking out at the mere weeks left of this pregnancy, I sometimes feel like Sisyphus pushing his boulder up the mountain...will I really be able to make it to a safe and healthy arrival for Sunflower?

Over the last couple months, I've done a pretty good job at staying as present as possible in the ever-increasing joy and excitement, in staying grounded in the firm belief that I will eventually hold Sunflower alive and well in my arms.

And yet recently, there are also firm reminders of how much is outside my control. My klutziness feels like one of those reminders - I don't feel in control of my own body and that adds to feeling overwhelmed. Sunflower is very active, and while I am positively thrilled for the constant reminders of his presence, watching my stomach twist and turn as he somersaults, kicks and stretches, also reminds me that he's his own little person, one over whom I have limited control. So much about being pregnant is a leap of faith, and sometimes my faith falters.

These final 9-12 weeks just feel big. It's the "high risk" zone for me, given my history with Ezra. Starting next week I will be going to the doctor weekly, and eventually twice weekly as of 32 weeks. The monitoring helps provide reassurance, but is also a reminder of how much can go wrong at this stage.

I'm not really complaining. I'm just feeling extremely hormonal, emotional and overwhelmed. Thankfully, as of now, everything remains healthy and good with Sunflower. Here's a pic of my ever-burgeoning belly:

24 comments:

Ya Chun said...

you look 'huge'!*

*disclaimer: ok, I am not saying you look huge and fat - i know how hormones make things sound!- I am just saying you look like you have a big beautiful pregnant lady belly!*

careful with the balance and klutziness. just take your time.... are you working full time still? your time will certainly get crunched as you have more and more appts. Those non-stress tests might be your only time to sit and rest!

hang in there, I know these next few weeks will be tough and stressful (hugs)

marlono said...

You look beautiful - and not in the least bit "huge"! I hope you're doing well. As usual, you're always in my prayers. Looking forward to the next update!

Sara said...

You look great. I see Ezra's picture peeking at your belly in the background.

I wish these next few weeks could be easier for you. I hope they fly by.

Tracey said...

You look gorgeous!!!!!!!!

Wishing for a time-space continuum to zoom you safely through the coming weeks til little sunflower is safe and happy and healthy at home...

much love to you....

Karen said...

I think you look gorgeous! Cheering on Sunflower and sending you all good thoughts. (((Hugs)))

Alisha said...

I think you look beautiful!

aliza said...

you look beautiful sarah! and it is all so huge. such a leap of trust. and i'm glad that you are getting good medical care. hoping these next few months allow you to slow down and take good care of yourself (and sunflower).
xoxo

Paige said...

You look beautiful, Sarah, and I love seeing Sunflower growing bigger. It's bullshit to wish you peaceful remaining weeks, so instead I'll continue trembling beside you, hoping January 2010 brings many happy days. xo

k@lakly said...

These last few weeks are torture. Absolutely. One moment at a time. And each one takes you a bit closer to the destination.
Waiting with you and wishing you moments of calm, moments of peace and moments, lots of them, of joy.
xxoo

Akul's mama said...

Big hugssssssss to teh beutiful mom. You look radiant and I am so so happy for you.

Hope's Mama said...

Trembling with Paige. And with you. I posted a few weeks back about everything feeling so BIG. I know how you're feeling.
We're getting there my friend. And when I'm done, I'll be here to help drag you over the finish line.

Carly Marie said...

Trembling.... with chocolate though :)

angie said...

You actually glow, Sarah. You look gorgeous. Just abiding with you during this time. Stressed, excited, anxious...much love.

Barbara said...

Hugely beautiful!

xxx

Dani819 said...

Beautiful- can't believe how much Sunflower has grown since i saw you last. Which, of course, is exactly as it should be!

Fireflyforever said...

You are a very beautiful pregnant lady :) I concur with everything here - the task at hand does indeed feel huge. To use a slightly less cerebral image than yours (of Sisyphus): I feel like Dory from "Finding Nemo" - "just keep swimming, just keep swimming"!!

erica said...

Sunflower is growing so well, and you look so beautiful. As you say, parenthood is a giant leap of faith. I think it's perfectly okay to feel overwhelmed by that.

Hoping hard for you.

Funsize said...

you look great! you're glowing!

xoxo

after iris said...

You look wonderful.

Oof, these last few weeks... such a tough time. Thinking of you and looking forward to meeting Ezea's brother.

after iris said...

Sorry about the typo, I meant Ezra, of course x

Lindsay said...

You look radiant and beautiful. I'm fairly certain that everything you feel is justified. There is so much that can happen and it's hard to have faith when you have no control. Ah well, I guess that's why faith and hope are two different words. I have hope for the new baby, but I'm struggling with the whole 'faith' thing, really struggling.
I hope the rest of your pregnancy is easier. I have faith that I will soon see pictures of you holding you perfect, healthy and gorgeous baby Sunflower.

Much love, Lindsay

Lea said...

Sarah - you and sunflower look absolutely gorgeous. Can't wait for the blissful news!

Amanda said...

Sarah= You do look gorgeous!! But I understand the feeling as though you are huge. I am there too. And I am also a klutz right now as well. So much of what you right feels as though it is coming from my head as well. Just try and stay positive and focus on your precious Sunflower. I pray that we both have our rainbows in our arms very soon. (((HUGS))) my cyber friend...

m said...

Beautiful.

See you soon.