Wednesday, January 13, 2010

2 weeks old

Micah is 2 weeks old today. Most moments I still need to pinch myself to believe its real...that we are the parents to a real live healthy baby boy.He's here. He's real. He snuggles, and cries, and pees, and poops...and fills us with so much joy I didn't know was even possible. I no longer can imagine living life without him, although at least once a day a fear creeps in that somehow we could lose him still...joy or not, the catastrophic thinking that I have battled since losing Ezra is not gone entirely.

While pregnant with Sunflower I never could envision this part...even up to the day we went to the hospital to be induced, I didn't fully believe that we'd be leaving with a real live baby. Even while nesting and preparing for his arrival, it didn't truly feel real. Afterall, I've never had this happy ending before.

Sunflower's arrival was challenging to say the least. I spent nearly 30 hours in labor. I had an epidural that didn't fully work, and after feeling intense pitocin-induced contractions through it, had to be repeated. But the scary part was that twice, Sunflower's heart began to deccelerate. The first time they were able to stabilize things. The second time is what led to the decision to do a c-section...with labor not progressing the way it needed to, and a waning heart rate, getting Sunflower out safely seemed like the priority. I wish I hadn't had to have a c-section--the recovery has been terribly difficult--but I don't regret the decision at all. The alternative is way too terrifying.

These last two weeks have been so intense and so very wonderful. It hasn't all been easy...because our Sunflower was a little early, we had some feeding difficulties that made breastfeeding hard to establish. But Micah and I have worked hard at it, and while we are still a work in progress, I no longer need to pump to supplement feeds and Micah is growing and gaining from nursing full feeds. As of yesterday, he is now 6lbs 15oz. Breastfeeding is definitely a learned skill, and perhaps the hardest skill I've ever learned. But Micah is absolutely worth it.

I've heard other babylost mamas say that they never truly recognized how much they lost until their rainbow babies arrived. I guess that's true - there's no way I could have imagined the depths of joy that Micah has brought into our lives. But this time has not been about Ezra...its absolutely been about Micah. Its not that I miss my Ezra any less - losing him still makes me feel like the unluckiest woman in the world. But having my Sunflower, my baby Micah here, makes me feel like the luckiest woman alive. I am so amazingly grateful he's here

10 comments:

Sara said...

Two weeks already! Sarah, so happy he's here and well and that you are settling in and enjoy Micah's time.

Michele said...

I'm so happy things are going so well. I know it hurts but there is also so much joy.

angie said...

He is gorgeous, Sarah. I love what you say this time has been Micah's time, and it hasn't taken away from Ezra at all, but it is about Micah. Much love to both of you. XO

Just Breathe said...

The birth of my son 31 years ago was similar. When I had a contraction his breathing would stop. Never progressed past 8 so they did an emergency c-section and then I had an asthma attack and spent 24 hours in ICU. But I can't complain knowing how worse things could have been. I am so happy for you, enjoy that sweet little bundle of joy.

Hope's Mama said...

So very happy to read this post for so many reasons. I too could never imagine the baby coming home with me. Like you, I'd never done that before. Didn't matter how many people said to me "don't worry it wont happen again" I could still never believe it. And I'm only a few weeks ahead of you, but I'm still pinching myself and still can't believe it is real. And yep, it has been all about Angus for me too, but little Hope is always there, always in my thoughts.
Kisses to adorable baby Micah. Big hugs to you, Mama.

Sophie said...

So happy for you guys. Yes it's definately all about Micah with beautiful Ezra watching over you all.

xx

aliza said...

good to hear your voice sarah. i've been thinking about you and micah every day and sending you love
xox

Tracey said...

Been thinking about you and little Micah so much, happy to see an update.

Sending much love for joyful and content (and maybe some restful!) days with little Micah...:)

Ya Chun said...

you sound good. and I am so happy for you guys.

Amanda said...

What a beautiful post. So much of what you said feels like my own thoughts and words. It is truely amazing to have your rainbow. I am so happy for you. He is a cutie!! Take care and enjoy that little guy.