Gratitude is absolutely the hardest emotion for me right now.
Tonight at yoga class, the teacher asked us to look into the space behind our hearts, where we hold all that we are grateful for. She asked us to reach into that space and focus on one thing or person for which we are grateful, to which we would dedicate our practice.
I thought of Ezra and of course started to cry. I am grateful for the 8 months he lived inside of me. Ezra brought me so much joy in his short life...I have never been so insanely happy as I was when I was pregnant with him. And yet I expected so much more...I expected a lifetime. How can I feel satisfied with just 8 months? Will I ever be at peace enough with losing him that I will be able to feel pure gratitude for the time I did have him?
Of course I am grateful for many people in my life. My amazing and loving husband David. The friends, family and acquaintances who packed our house each night of shiva. Everyone who has taken care of us in ways big and small in the 12 weeks since Ezra left us. The extraordinary community of babylost mamas that I have met here online who prop me up day by day.
And yet something is missing.
I don't feel fully grateful for anything right now.
Not without Ezra
Not without my son.
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