Gratitude is absolutely the hardest emotion for me right now.
Tonight at yoga class, the teacher asked us to look into the space behind our hearts, where we hold all that we are grateful for. She asked us to reach into that space and focus on one thing or person for which we are grateful, to which we would dedicate our practice.
I thought of Ezra and of course started to cry. I am grateful for the 8 months he lived inside of me. Ezra brought me so much joy in his short life...I have never been so insanely happy as I was when I was pregnant with him. And yet I expected so much more...I expected a lifetime. How can I feel satisfied with just 8 months? Will I ever be at peace enough with losing him that I will be able to feel pure gratitude for the time I did have him?
Of course I am grateful for many people in my life. My amazing and loving husband David. The friends, family and acquaintances who packed our house each night of shiva. Everyone who has taken care of us in ways big and small in the 12 weeks since Ezra left us. The extraordinary community of babylost mamas that I have met here online who prop me up day by day.
And yet something is missing.
I don't feel fully grateful for anything right now.
Not without Ezra
Not without my son.
Connecting to the Broken World
15 hours ago
4 comments:
I'm struggling with this too Sarah. People keep reminding me what I should be thankful for. Great husband? You betcha. Supportive family and friends? Yup. Young and more than likely able to have more children. Well I hope so. Nice house. Secure job. Savings in the bank. Blah blah blah.
I'd give it all up, all of it, to have Hope back. And I simply can't have it, and some days, it is just too much for my brain to process.
This is not fun is it.
I wish I had the answer, but I am struggling with gratitude too. As a matter of fact, just today I was thinking it might be a good exercise to write on my blog a list of all the things I am grateful for. You know, separate from Tikva, not marred by the fact that she's gone and I am so broken by that. But even making that list seems weird. Yes, I'm deeply grateful for my husband and Dahlia and community and all of the incredible beauty that surrounds me, but I still am not looking forward to Thanksgiving this year... And yes, I'm grateful to eternity for the time I did get with Tikva - in and out of my belly - but boy is that a bag of mixed emotions... I don't know if it's possible to reconcile it all. There is nothing neat and tidy about losing your child.
It's a struggle alright - hard to feel grateful for anything. As Hope said, we would all give up the things we are supposed to be grateful for if we could just have our babies back. You and Ezra are in my thoughts today more than ever.
xo
yes, it's a hard one. gratitude. grateful. how? when all we wanted was taken away. the promise of our sons ripped away. yet i have small moments, like yesterday after my therapy appointment i was walking down the street just looking down and began to notice all the leaves on the sidewalk, so many each with such amazing colors. it felt like i had never seen leaves these colors before. especially the dark red ones. but this year we are not celebrating t day in fact we call it 'thanksforf@#ingnothing' day....but i am grateful for all of you...although what i would give to trade meeting this way...
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