Tuesday, December 30, 2008

4 months...

My baby boy is 4 months old today.

Being a first time mom, I'm not 100% sure what milestones he'd be accomplishing right now
If he were here in my arms.
And I certainly can't bring myself to look it up.

I can imagine though...

Yesterday the 4 month anniversary of Ezra's death passed with so much numbness.
I kept myself busy and tried not to relive the events of that terrible day.
But today, 4 months from his birth, I am just so very sad.
I physically ache with the pain of it all.

Again I go back to the disbelief.
How did the most joyously beautiful time of my life,
turn so wretchedly devastating?

This I will never understand...


Barbara said...

Oh Sarah, 4 months is such a short time.

My one piece of advice: Don't fight the memories. If it keeps coming to you then chose a quiet time and go through the events of that day. Think about it, feel it and cry your heart out. Shout and scream if you need to.

I was given this advice early on and after I had been fighting the flashbacks for a while, I did it and it helped. It was bloody awful, but it helped.

Love and hugs for you.

Dani819 said...

Such a short time, yes- and such an eternity when every day feels a million years long.

Hope you and David hold each other tight today until the physical ache is a little less. I wish you didn't HAVE to understand this- wish none of us did.

Thinking of Ezra with you today. Love and hugs.

Hope's Mama said...

Holding you close Sarah. This is never easy, is it?

DAL said...

Seeing Ezra's cute little cousins over the holidays made me realize how much fun it would have been to see all of them playing together. What I'd give to see just an hour with the four of them together. I'd have the camera ready to take some great pictures.

He's been with us in spirit during this season, with that little half grin of his.

CLC said...

Everything is still so fresh 4 months out. It's excruciating, isn't it? I am so sorry Sarah. I wish you didn't have to know this pain.

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

I love what David wrote... so sweet. I love Ezra's little grin, too.

Anonymous said...

Four months is so fresh and new but yet feels like an eternity to have been feeling like crap for so long. Wishing you strength and sending you love

Rach said...

Thinking of you. xxx