Unsettled

I've been struggling to gather my thoughts as this year draws to a close. I'm completely ambivalent about whether I'm ready to bid the year goodbye. 2008 was the year of my greatest happiness and joy...bringing Ezra into this world and carrying him for eight months. But as Elizabeth McCracken wrote, "This is the happiest story in the world with the saddest ending." 2008 also brought the greatest depths of despair and sadness imaginable.

I'd like to say I have hope that 2009 will be better. And I do have hope. But if I've learned anything from losing Ezra, its that we can't predict when life will throw us a curve ball. Just when I thought life couldn't get any worse, 3 months after losing Ezra my Dad needed quadruple bypass surgery. Thankfully his recovery is progressing, but my faith that 'everything will turn out ok' is pretty much shattered. In my life without Ezra, nothing is taken for granted.

I've been reflecting today on where I've been in New Years Eves past. In my fun carefree years living in New York City, New Years meant splurging on a fancy night out dressed up with my dearest friends. In the years since I found my besheret (or soulmate) David, New Years has brought quiet dinner parties at home also with dear friends. 2008 started off inauspiciously, as the morning of New Years Eve, someone attempted to break into our house, kicking in the back door. While the alarm system did it's job, scaring them off, we spent the day scrambling to get our door fixed and feeling incredibly unsettled that the sanctity of our home had been disturbed. Within a few weeks after that we conceived Ezra, and our joy made us feel untouchable.

But as this year is almost over, that unsettled feeling has returned, but now magnified a zillion times. My baby died. I've not only lost my precious son, I've lost my confidence in my place in the world. No matter what happened each of those previous years, on all of those New Years Eves in years past, I felt grounded, confident in my purpose, my being. Now I'm not so sure.

So my prayer tonight is that 2009 brings love and laughter, hope and faith, peace and purpose for myself and for all of us.