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1 Welcome to 2009. What have you left behind in the year just past? What do you hope to find in the year to come?
Left behind: my innocence. Hope to find: purpose.
2 We've just come through the season in which our culture touts cheer and peace and family togetherness rather relentlessly. How did your child's death impact your experience of the "holiday" season, personally or culturally?
The cheer was gone. I remain convinced that when Ezra left, my capacity to feel joy left too.
3 If you celebrate in any way through December, are there ways you include or acknowledge your lost baby/babies?
We lit a candle for Ezra for each night of Chanukah, on Christmas, and each night of Kwanzaa (yes we’re an equal opportunity household). The meaning of the holidays felt elusive, but holding Ezra close helped get me through.
4 Through the year are there any holidays, seasons, or parts of what were once cherished rituals that have changed for you because of your child's death?
Not sure yet. Its only been 4 months and 1 week (but I’m not counting…really)
5 Do you do anything to remember your baby/babies' birth and/or death day? Or will you?
I’m not sure…so far each month the 29th (his death) brings great numbness and the 30th (his birth) brings even deeper despair. I can’t think far enough ahead to imagine where we’ll be at the 1 year mark.
6 Is there anything about the winter season (for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere right now) that lifts your spirits? Is there anything that especially brings them down?
This winter the cold and grey of winter just fits my mood. Doesn’t bother me nearly as much as it usually would.
7 During your hardest times, how have you found your way forward?
During my hardest times, I hold Ezra’s daddy tight and try to open myself up to feeling Ezra’s spirit with me. Ezra means “helper” in Hebrew, and he’s helped me more than I ever could have imagined.
the Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer