Saturday, January 31, 2009

More Dreams

I've always made fun of myself that when I do remember my dreams,
they are always so concrete.
No obscure symbolism, no deep hidden meaning.

This week I've had a recurrent dream about bridges and paths...
that don't quite make it where they are supposed to go.
Driving across a bridge that suddenly ends,
even though I can see the other side.
Walking comfortably along a path,
when suddenly I'm on the verge of falling off a cliff,
and everywhere I turn is another dangerous ravine.

In the dream I always am about to drown,
or fall off,
But I wake up before I do.
Always with the unsettled feeling that I didn't make it.

It doesn't require great insight to know what this dream is about.

I could be dreaming that I'm Ezra, almost, but not quite making it,
out of mommy's belly and into his mommy & daddy's arms.
But I'm pretty sure that's not it.

I'm almost certain this dream is about my quest
To be a mama to a live baby,
It's the only path or bridge I want to be on right now.
And in the dream I am always so content as I journey along
Until it all falls apart.
I can see the destination,
But don't realize the perils that await,
Until it is much too late.

I guess this is my deepest fear.
That motherhood will remain an intangible dream,
a destination that can not be reached
except in my mind
where I am alway a mama,
to my dear sweet Ezra.


Barbara said...

It could be a dream about what has already happened, and your understandable fear of the future. But fear doesn't equal reality.

Yes, that's my deepest fear too. That George will be my only child.


Dani819 said...

Unsurprisingly, it's my biggest fear as well- that this will be as close as I ever get to being a mommy. I'll hope for you and you hope for me, and hopefully some day soon we'll be pushing strollers down those paths.

aliza said...

we did fall off a path and off a bridge too. i have that image a lot too, it's like falling off the planet or into some alternate reality. i too feel that fear that this is the closest i'll get to being a mama but all we have left is hope that we will have another beautiful and alive baby to hold and love in this physical world forever.