Today is the day the journey began.
I don’t attach much significance to this date.
But it’s the day we found out I was pregnant with Ezra.
Today marks the beginning of an entire year of anniversaries…
Days of great joy, and days of great sorrow.
What a joyous day today was one year ago!
It was a little early to test, but something told me it was time.
I walked a couple blocks down to the main street,
To pick up a birthday gift for my niece,
And stopped at the drug store to pick up a pregnancy test on the way back.
“This is where we keep them, honey” the store clerk explained in response to my query.
I came home and David was on the phone, being interviewed for a radio show.
And so I took the test, and then sat on the couch,
Holding the biggest secret, I’d ever known.
Grinning like the Cheshire Cat.
Until David finally came downstairs,
And I told him he was going to be a Daddy.
And that was only the beginning.
Our joy grew and grew,
As Ezra grew.
First time we heard his heartbeat, first time I felt him move,
First time we saw him on the ultrasound.
What an amazing time.
I had told David that the only thing I wanted for my 33rd birthday,
Was a baby.
We learned I was pregnant just 6 days before I turned 33.
We told our parents on my birthday,
A great celebration,
Not only of my birth,
But of a life that was to be.
I’m dreading my birthday this year,
So cruel and unfair to turn 34,
Without Ezra in my arms.
I wish I could skip my birthday this year
So please don’t wish me a happy day.
Happy Birthday rings so empty this year.
But today, February 2nd
I am remembering joy.
Remembering what it felt to learn of new life inside me.
And I am setting an intent for the coming year.
As difficult as it is in the face of such great sadness and sorrow,
To look for joy,
Joy may have exited the scene for now,
And joy may not be back for quite awhile.
But having tasted joy,
Known pure joy,
I am not prepared to let joy go forever.
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