Monday, February 2, 2009

Chasing Joy

Today is the day the journey began.
I don’t attach much significance to this date.
But it’s the day we found out I was pregnant with Ezra.

Today marks the beginning of an entire year of anniversaries…
Days of great joy, and days of great sorrow.

What a joyous day today was one year ago!
It was a little early to test, but something told me it was time.
I walked a couple blocks down to the main street,
To pick up a birthday gift for my niece,
And stopped at the drug store to pick up a pregnancy test on the way back.
“This is where we keep them, honey” the store clerk explained in response to my query.

I came home and David was on the phone, being interviewed for a radio show.
And so I took the test, and then sat on the couch,
Holding the biggest secret, I’d ever known.
Grinning like the Cheshire Cat.
Until David finally came downstairs,
And I told him he was going to be a Daddy.

Great joy!
And that was only the beginning.
Our joy grew and grew,
As Ezra grew.
First time we heard his heartbeat, first time I felt him move,
First time we saw him on the ultrasound.
What an amazing time.

I had told David that the only thing I wanted for my 33rd birthday,
Was a baby.
And magically,
We learned I was pregnant just 6 days before I turned 33.
We told our parents on my birthday,
February 8th.
A great celebration,
Not only of my birth,
But of a life that was to be.

I’m dreading my birthday this year,
So cruel and unfair to turn 34,
Without Ezra in my arms.
I wish I could skip my birthday this year
So please don’t wish me a happy day.
Happy Birthday rings so empty this year.

But today, February 2nd
I am remembering joy.
Remembering what it felt to learn of new life inside me.
Remembering expectation.
Remembering hope.
Remembering dreams.
Pure joy.

And I am setting an intent for the coming year.
As difficult as it is in the face of such great sadness and sorrow,
To look for joy,
Chase joy,
Regain joy.
Joy may have exited the scene for now,
And joy may not be back for quite awhile.
But having tasted joy,
Known pure joy,
I am not prepared to let joy go forever.


CLC said...

I know it's difficult to celebrate another year, and you don't have to. I like your intent for this year! And you will find joy here and there, in the little things you used to find joy in. I hope that the good days start to outnumber the bad days for you.

Barbara said...

I'll be chasing joy with you Sarah. Hang on to the good memories.

Sara said...

I'm so glad you are open to joy even in the midst of your sorrow. It is possible to hold them both together. May joy find you even where you don't seek it.

k@lakly said...

Yes, hang on to the joy. I found it so hard to remember times when I felt it, I am so glad that you have. Chasing joy, yes, absolutely.

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

I am so glad you aren't giving up on joy, Sarah. And it makes me smile to read your words remembering all the joy - however limited - Ezra brought you and David from last February 2nd. I am with you on the chase, and I see joy not too far ahead, not out of reach. Love.

aliza said...

tears are streaming down my face. sadness in remembering the joy we too had when we found our we were pg, that amazing secret. and the joy i feel in your words remembering that day and the months ahead with ezra. and now this craziness of not having our baby boys with us after all the joy of their precious brief lives. i'll be thinking of the joy of ezra's existence today and everyday.

Dani819 said...

What a beautiful memory. What a beautiful intention. We'll all be here with you to remind you to walk towards joy with your head held high.

Ya Chun said...

Joy, hope, and dreams to you this year. You will honor Ezra by still seeing the good in the world.

Funsize said...

I know it's hard to celebrate a "happy" birthday when you don't feel all that happy. My son died a little less than a month before my birthday, and by the time it rolled around I didn't even want to roll out of bed. My husband told me we had to celebrate- because that's what Collin would have wanted for me. He wouldn't have wanted me to be mopey. And just reading about the happiness your Ezra brought you, I think he would want you to celebrate, if anything, celebrate the happiness you had carrying him. I hope you find the joy you are seeking.


Hope's Mama said...

if you find it, let me know where I can get some. and if I find some first, I'll point you in the right direction, too xoxo

Rach said...

Here's hoping that you find some warm, sweet joy this year. xxx

Carly said...

I love what Sara wrote. I pray joy finds you too.


m said...

Chasing joy, yes! This is beautiful. I was just thinking the other day of how joyous my entire pregnancy was and trying to figure out how to remember THAT feeling, not the ones that came afterwards. I don't want to lose those moments. I am so glad that you are intent on keeping them too. Remembering Ezra with you...

Anonymous said...

We'll walk it together, my friend. I miss you tons! Lots of love and to finding joy...

Berta said...

You don't have to celebrate your birthday Sarah, but many others will do it quietly, in your stead. And we will keep saying prayers for you, that you might one day find a way to celebrate that you are here. The world is a better place because of you, and because of David and your union, and because of Ezra. Joy is coming for you. You won't have to chase her. Watch.

Rachael G. said...

I know that I wished you a happy birthday, and that it was an unimaginably painful one for you, but I hope you know that I d id it because I know you'll have relatively happy birthdays in the future, and you'll find joy in life again. This pain will never ever go away completely, but I hope for joy in your life and for happier birthdays ahead. I read this space and mourn your loss having not felt anything remotely like it, but know that I'm out there and care about you very much.