Sunday, February 22, 2009

A Random Swirl of Thoughts

There are so many random thoughts swirling around in my head these days that I realized I haven’t been blogging because I don’t even know where to start. Some days I think I might be doing a little bit better. I’m certainly more functional in some ways – better able to focus, better able to get things done. Until the days I’m not, which catch me by surprise, take my breath away, out of no where, and I realize how not ok I really am. How uninspired I am by everything in my life right now. And I realize that I’m so used to my general state of melancholy that the only emotions I do take notice of are when I feel worse. And then I blog about those…so everyone who reads assumes I’m just gloom, doom and despair all the time. But then again maybe that’s not so far from the truth.

I’ve been thinking a lot about attachments. To dates, to plans, to things. It was a dear friend who pointed out that Ezra doesn’t get a 6 month anniversary this month – there‘s no 29th (death day) or 30th (birth day) in February. I can’t decide if I am sad or relieved. Those days are so hard, marking the time since Ezra was still safe within my belly. Half a year, and Ezra feels so far away now. Sure there are days or moments when he feels so close, so connected. And yet time marches on. I said to David the other day that I am dreading reaching the moment at which he’s been gone for longer than he lived.

Ezra is teaching me about letting go of attachments. And I’m not a very good student. I kick and scream, cry and remonstrate. And yet gently he points me in this direction. Ezra and I had some long talks (in my head) about making way for the spirit of a new baby to join us. And I thought we had reached an understanding. I thought I would be pregnant again by now, with what I’m still convinced will be his little sister. But I need to let go of that attachment. I’m practicing being at peace with the intent, while not beating myself up about not reaching the end goal. I have to keep reminding myself that if Ezra has taught me anything, its that plans are just that….they are what you plan to do, nothing is guaranteed. I’ve always prided myself on my ability to make plans and see them to fruition. And I’ve said before, never has a plan I made fallen so flat on its face. Sometimes the Universe has other ideas.

Which brings me to the topic of anticipation, which
Monique and I were discussing recently. All of life seems on hold right now…nothing interests me as much as being a mom right now, and its making me downright cynical. Some unsuspecting soul who hadn’t heard the news of Ezra’s passing came up to me a couple weeks ago and asked ‘how’s motherhood treating you?’ ‘Not as well as I had hoped’ I deadpanned, not skipping a beat, and then I explained. Of course she fled as quickly as possible. Everything just feels stagnant. I’m trying to find little things in which I can take pleasure that aren’t work, grief or baby-making related…and sometimes I am successful. But I’m just having a hard time with the idea that this is my life right now.

And then there’s the issue of all the many pregnant women around me. To my pregnant friends, I do not hate you - I am happy for you, just sad for me…but I’d be lying if I didn’t also admit I’m jealous of you and terrified for you. Of course I hope and pray that all of these babies are born healthy and alive. But so many people seem to take this outcome for granted. They do what I did when I was pregnant, which is block out the possibility that things could go terribly awry, distancing themselves from my horror. It was only a couple months after Ezra was gone that I realized that I knew babylost mamas and papas…and had conveniently “forgot” this information while I carried Ezra. (Of course I didn’t realize quite how many babylost parents I knew…as the cards, emails and calls poured in after he was gone.) When I hear people talk about their unborn babies as if their arrival is a foregone conclusion, I cringe…alarm bells go off in my head. How can you know ME and assume that everything will be ok? I had the perfectly healthy pregnancy until the moment it was not, and Ezra was suddenly gone. And somehow that distance and denial feels like criticism…even though I know it’s not intended that way.

I guess there’s no real point to this post, no moral to the story, other than a little window into the whirl-a-gig that is my mind these days.


Sara said...

I have lived, continue to live so much of this swirl of emotions and thoughts. "Better" becomes such a strange, relative term doesn't it?
Thinking of you in the struggle.

aliza said...

sarah, there are many points in there and they are so real and honest. i am with you and feel many of these random swirling thoughts as well. it is hard to swallow what our life is right now. ezra is teaching you a hard lesson of life and loss. everything is impermanent. we cannot make plans and those who believe they can control the outcomes are living in denial and will have to come to terms with that at some point and at the same time it feels like it works out for so many out there who plan for the baby that makes it. life is so unfair, another awful lesson for us to learn. i'm with you kicking and screaming.

CLC said...

I get all of these emotions all too well. It's amazing to me how similar all of our grief journeys are, even though we have different experiences and lives. I hope the better days start to outnumber the bad days.

Carly Marie said...

I hear you Sarah,

I worry for other naive (sorry not the nicest owrd but mostly its true)pregnant women. They just have no idea, and I pray they never do have any idea what we all have been through.

Sending you peace today x

Carly x

Funsize said...

I have those same feelings too. We will never be as naive as those other pregnant women, we know not to take a pregnancy for grant.

Bad days are the worst for me, I end up just shrinking away from the world. I hope you have better days than bad.


Anonymous said...

There is so much here that I identify with Sarah and I hope it helps to know you are not alone in these random thoughts and emotions. I've told people that Sam has taught me that we have little to no control (other than our behaviour) and that the world is sometimes a random, tragic place - two very hard lessons to learn. Sounds easy on paper but to truly understand means you've lost something precious.

And we'll remember Ezra no matter if the calendar has other ideas. Lots of love to you!

erica said...

So many of the thoughts you describe are swirling around my brain as well. Half a year - I still don't know what to do with that. Thinking of you and hoping that things get better.

Ya Chun said...

"they are what you plan to do, nothing is guaranteed" Reading that makes me think "That has always been true"

Cara said...

And the whirl-a-gig goes round and round. I hear you loud and clear.


Gal aka SuperMommy said...

I think you're wonderful, Sarah. Just keep being. Continue to be gentle and loving with yourself. Big hugs.

k@lakly said...

I was surorised to learn of the other babylost parents out there too. I think we are all just too comfortable with living in the shadows, not wanting to rain on the happy parade of others and we miss opportunities to find each other along the way.
The grief cycles. I have often said to myself and others, ride it, don't fight it, just as you would a ripcurrent. Let it take you out and eventually it will let you go and you can get back to shore. You may not end up where you thought you wanted to be but you will end up where you are safe again.
Thinking of you.

Lani said...

i am feeling all these same exact emotions. today is our 5 month day and its just as painful as yesterday and as tomorrow will be.

my pregnant and non-pregnant friends see me as that person on the other side of the odds and that it can't possibly happen to them. but i'm like wait, i know sooooo many others now who it has happened to, don't you get it? but they don't and don't want to go there. which i understand in some ways b/c i think, would i have wanted to go there when i was pregnant? probably not.

i trusted that everything would go according to plan. but we know now that doesn't happen and are forever changed because of it.

thank you for being here and writing the thoughts that go swirling around in my head daily too. xo