Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Carry On My Wayward Son

Carry On My Wayward Son
There'll Be Peace When You Are Done
Lay Your Weary Head To Rest
Don't You Cry No More

This morning I awoke with this song in my head,
I'm not sure why,
Humming just the melody,
I didn't quite know the lyrics
Other than the first line
Which really says it all.

Carry on my wayward son,
I sang in the shower,
on my way to work,
and at my desk.
Both letting my son go,
and calling him home.

I'm learning to understand that contrasts,
even polar opposites,
can exist in the same place.
Like the joy I held being pregnant with Ezra,
And the despair I hold with him not here.
There'll Be Peace When You Are Done

And then at lunchtime,
I was called to the conference room,
and presented with a gift.
Not a gift for me, not really.
A gift for my wayward son, my Ezra.
It was Ezra's blanket.

And I promptly burst into tears.
As my heart filled with joy.
The contrasts ever present.
As I took in the beauty of the blanket's hand-knit coziness,
That Ezra will never know.
Lay Your Weary Head To Rest

There is a tradition in my office,
Each person knits a square in a different pattern,
And they are all sewn together,
Enveloping the new baby with the love of our office family.
I have knit squares for others' babies,
Hoping that one day squares would be knit for mine.

When Ezra died,
I knew that there were likely two blankets being made for him.
I asked if I could have
one with which to bury him,
And since this collective one wasn't yet done,
I was told I would get it to keep with me.
I've wondered about it these past 5 months,
But didn't feel I could ask.
I can't imagine how it must have felt,
To finish a blanket for a dead baby.

I am practicing the idea,
That grief can turn to gratitude.
That in my despair,
I can come to appreciate that which is important so much more.
To appreciate special moments
Of life
Of love
Of beauty

Of course I'd much rather have my son,
In my arms,
Where he belongs.
But in his absence,
I am learning to appreciate what I have.

It is a blessing that I have such special people in my life,
Who held Ezra with love when he was alive,
And hold Ezra in love now that he is gone.
Oh my wayward son...
Don't You Cry No More


Hope's Mama said...

Carry on sweet Ezra, carry on indeed xo

Dani819 said...

It's beautiful, Sarah. As are the love with which it was, the child it was made for, and the promise of peace and hope to come.

Funsize said...

That song is my ringtone on my cell phone. I also like Dust in the Wind by them too, because that reminds me of the time I had with my son.

The blanket is beautiful; what a sweet gesture from your office. May one day Ezra will be able to share that blanket with his younger siblings.

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

"I can't imagine how it must have felt,
To finish a blanket for a dead baby."

This is so beautiful, Sarah. And so is the blanket... I'm so glad you get to keep this one and let it warm you when you miss Ezra the most.

CLC said...

What a beautiful blanket! And how fortunate you are to work with such wonderful people.

Sara said...

"I'm learning to understand that contrasts,
even polar opposites,
can exist in the same place."
I found this so hard to learn myself, yet so helpful once I wrapped my mind around it.

The blanket is lovely. I hope you can take some comfort in knowing the love with which it was made.

Barbara said...

Oh how lovely.

I can't help but think of the huge difference between that sweet workplace kindness and my work situation.

But what a beautiful memento.


erica said...

It's beautiful, and I'm so glad that you have it, and that you have such good people around you.

aliza said...

so beautiful sarah. i have tears too. so much love to envelope you and ezra.

Ya Chun said...

wow just wow.

and double for the fact that you work with so many people that can knit!?

k@lakly said...

What a beautiful, love filled gift. I am awed that they finished it and can only imagine the tears that were shed as each stich was completed. I'm so sorry that Ezra will never know its warmth but so happy that his mother will.

CLC said...

I tagged you for an "award." See my blog for details.

Mrs. Spit said...

Can a knitter interject?

It would have been my great honour. And I would have knit hopes and dreams and comfort into it, in every way I could.