Sunday, March 29, 2009

7 months...

These days I've been doing ok...that is until I'm very not ok. I walk along minding my own business, even feeling vaguely content...and then grief snatches me into a side alley and knocks me around a bit...leaving me bruised, battered, lacking in self-confidence. I move along, limping a little, looking over my shoulder, never quite sure when the grief monster will be back.

Today, 7 months since Ezra died, is definitely one of those days. Up until last night I was feeling ok about this anniversary, taking it in stride, realizing that its just a day, just like all the other days for the past 7 months, a day I miss my son. And then I tried to do our taxes (I don't know, TurboTax, DID I have a child in the past year?) and either screwed them up royally or we owe more money than we have (at which point I concluded this is clearly a job for an accountant this year and gave up). And then like a boulder gathering speed as it roles down the mountain, the downward spiral had begun...

It's been 7 months since our lives turned to shit, since it began to feel like everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. Most days I do a pretty good job at reminding myself that all the other crap that life has thrown us in the past 7 months is not in any way connected to Ezra dying. The bad crap would have probably happened anyway, but we would have had more energy to tackle it if Ezra were in our arms, instead of buried in the ground. On the bad days it feels like one big universal conspiracy (even if this isn't really what I believe), and today is one of those days. By tomorrow I'll have it back in perspective again, be ready to take on the world, I'll chip away at the minor annoyances and face the bigger hurdles with optimism...afterall, I now know we can survive anything. But for today I'll wallow.

And yet we still laugh. Today on the way to brunch David and I were talking and one of us used the word "unhappiness"...which for some reason simultaneously and spontaneously launched a musical rendering of our own original song "Unhappiness", sung to the tune of the well known Charlie Brown melody 'Happiness'. Unhappiness is, your baby dying, doing your taxes, losing your job... We erupted into giggles. We have an unbelievable ability to keep each other laughing, even in the worst of times.

It's days like this where my mind wanders to the path not taken, what it would be like if we had a 7 month old in our home instead of in our hearts. We certainly wouldn't have gone out to brunch this morning, at least not to the hipster place we went, there just didn't seem to be babies there. What foods would Ezra be trying? Would I be scraping peas off the floor? Would I be back at work? How would I manage being away from Ezra during the day? A littany of painful questions...for which there are no answers. I don't let myself go down this path too frequently, the gate is closed tight, as tightly as the nursery door in our house, yet I can see vaguely what it might have looked like. I really don't want to know the details.

Yesterday I had the joy of meeting Lucy's mama Angie in real life, helping fulfill my fantasy of a social life involving only babylost parents. Oh how I wish we had met another way, that the tie that binds us was not two very loved and very missed lost babies. Angie carries with her the same energy and creativity that you might expect if you read her blog. I just wish our conversations were consumed with nap schedules and eating habits, not deep sorrow and traumatic memories.

In 4 more weeks Ezra will have been dead for longer than he was alive, I will have known the deepest sorrow imaginable for longer than I knew the deepest joy possible. I keep trying to take myself back to that time, to remember what it felt like, to know only joy, only possibility, only hope. And I gently remind myself that I wouldn't trade having felt that joy for anything, despite the despair that's followed. Trite but true...Alfred Lord Tennyson said it best:
I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;'
Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

19 comments:

Dani819 said...

Sweetie,

I have been thinking about you, David, and Ezra all day. Sending you love and hugs. Wallow away- we're here with you for all of it.

-D

PS I have to admit that that song made me laugh in spite of myself

Hope's Mama said...

Tennyson most certainly did get it right. Glad you got one of those real life hugs from Angie.
Thinking of you guys all day xo

Lea said...

I'm so glad that you can make each other laugh.. in spite of it all. That is so important and rare.
Thinking of you and your sweet Ezra.

xo

angie said...

Been thinking about you two all day. I am feeling really raw and sad thinking about seven months of this life. I miss Ezra in this world. Sending you much love. It was sweet to talk with you irl, hope to do it again soon. Abrazos y besos.

Alisha said...

You have a lovely way with words. I love to read your writing. I know what you mean about it grabbing you out of the blue. Sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive husband. I am so glad you can make each other laugh. ((many hugs))

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

Thinking of you always, not just today. 7 months is its own kind of hard... I'm glad you're going the accountant route. Sending huge love.

Sara said...

The song made me laugh.

Thinking of you on this anniversary.

Lani said...

oh sarah, i feel all of this too. all the time. even with laughter, with fun weekends, and good friends all around, i can't help but think "what if?" i play that game constantly, it can't be helped.

lucky you and Angie got to meet. i hope to meet you too one day- we are not so far away.

on my 6 month anni-v the other day i was thinking about how every day is so hard, but the anniversaries are when I do the most reflection and when people acknowledge Silas the most. it just seems like time is going way too fast and taking us further from our babies. i don't like it at all.
sending you love today and every day. xo

aliza said...

sarah,
i was thinking of ezra this weekend as we walked in the woods, thinking of him and lev and how ezra was one of the names we had thought of using. i thought of all the ways you and i and lev and ezra are connected. and then i came home and read your blog and remembered the date (i never know the date these days) and these 7 months.
i also had so many moments this weekend of imagining our life with a 7 month old.
tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. it's true. your love for ezra will never end. he will always be your son. just not the pea eating pooping one here on earth. i so wish that lev and ezra were here in our arms.
and i also liked your 'unhappiness' song...
sending you so much love

Dalene said...

I'm thinking of you and wallowing along with you as I approach one year this week.

rfg said...

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. xo

erica said...

Seven months is hard, hard. I've been thinking about you and will keep doing so. Glad you can lean on each other and laugh, that you were able to meet Angie. Sorry this is all just so damned hard.

Cara said...

Every month is hard - especially in the first year. I'm thinking of you and just sending hugs as you cry and remember.

xoxo

Paige said...

Thinking of you and sending you much love. xo

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

I admire you for your ability to see the rest of the crap as separate from losing Ezra. I tend to lump it all together.
I'm hoping you find some peace on the other side of these especially painful days.

Rach said...

I hate that they all pass that horrible milestone of being dead longer than being alive. It just makes me so sad. Just so sad.

Thinking of you. xxx

CLC said...

Sorry I am late to this. I know what you mean about dreading the next milestone when it means Ezra will be gone longer than he was with you. It's all so hard. Thinking of you.

And I often have the same fantasy about surrounding myself with only other babylost mamas! Glad you got to meet Angie. I would love to meet you both one day soon (sans baby, of course)!

Kara aka Mother Henna said...

Honored to meet you, Ezra's Mommy. Wanted to let you know that you won the give-away of the spot in our online "Grief: Finding Your Way" Creativity Group.

http://motherhenna.blogspot.com/2009/04/give-away-winner.html

I'll be in touch via email with more details, too... looking forward to getting to know you more!
miracles,
k- (kota's mommy)

Funsize said...

I haven't even realized that Collin has been gone longer than he was here, until you pointed that out with your Ezra. Some times things in our lives go wrong- we lose our jobs, we get into debt, or our cars get towed out of our residence. I think of these as nuisances, they all pale to the crap that we've felt when our babies died. But meeting my son (and having to say goodbye right after), feeling his presence in my belly- that all brought me a happiness that will never compare and I'll never trade it for the world.

xoxoxo