Random reflections on a week in the life

I am so functional these days, I step back and I’m amazed.
Working hard, producing a lot.
Everyone says how good I look, how well I seem.
I don’t feel well. But I act well.
My grief has compartmentalized, it doesn’t spill into everything anymore.


It took nearly 8 months, but I finally cleaned out my favorite work bag
The one I had with me the day Ezra died
It’s been sitting in a corner
Untouched. I couldn’t bring myself to look inside.
Here’s what I found:
One set of hospital discharge papers.
The book I was reading, The Happiest Baby on the Block
2 rolls of tums
1 bottle of Tylenol
1 protein bar
Everything a very pregnant lady might need,
Before she became the saddest mama on the block.


I have a new client, she’s 5 months pregnant.
Her due date is August 30th, Ezra’s birthday.
She’s delivering at the same hospital he was born.


I had a healing massage.
I told the massage therapist about Ezra.
He told me good things come from the bad, he is living proof.
His mama had a 1 year old son who drowned in a pool.
She was pregnant with twins at the time and she miscarried.
He wouldn’t be here if his older brother hadn’t died.


Another client was so grateful her newborn son was returned to her care,
She told me she was hysterical when they took him away,
You just can’t imagine what it was like...
Oh sweetheart, you don’t know what I can imagine.


Ezra has a spot at our favorite day care.
Where I live, day care wait lists are a competitive sport.
I knew I should have called and told them my son was dead.
Somehow I just hoped I could make that call with good news too,
news of a younger sibling on the way.
But the spirit of that little one isn’t ready to join us yet.
I know she will when the time is right.
I listen to the news, the ‘Noooo!’ building in my head but not in my throat.
And so I am caught off guard, sobbing and wailing in my office.
The door not closed quickly enough to stop the world from hearing my cry.