There's been silence in this space for the last 10 days, probably the longest I've gone without writing since I created this blog. Its not that there are not words, I just need them to be in my head for now.
To all those friends whose calls I haven't returned, or whose emails have taken days to get a response, I'm sorry. I just need some space to myself right now. Dealing with the outside world, even loving friends and family, takes a lot of emotional energy when you're grieving. I know a lot of people assume I'm "better" because I'm taking on so much at work, able to be social and smile throughout my work day. I am able to laugh again, and mean it. But just functioning in this way takes every ounce of my energy, leaving me so very depleted for what is most healing, which is time to myself (for writing, reading, reflection, yoga) and time with David.
I can feel the grief changing, but in reality, I am changing, on almost a molecular level. I will never be the same person I was before losing Ezra. I carry with me a layer of sadness even when I am happy. The things that used to bring me the most joy, like pregnant friends and tiny babies, bring me terror, anxiety, jealousy, pain. Whereas before I was self-confident and outgoing, I am fragile now, needing the people around me to be so much more attentive to my cues as to whether I can handle a topic of conversation or not, want to talk or don't want to talk....and when people fail to follow those cues I crumble afterwards in disappointment and tears. And though I don't talk about it much, my feelings of failure and shame around losing Ezra follow me everywhere I go. I miss my son every moment of every day - even when to the outside observer it might seem he's the last thing on my mind. I know deeply in my heart that all of this will never change - I am changed forever.
I feel a disconnect with so many of my friends and family, even those who have tried their hardest to prop me up and show me love on this journey - sometimes it is clumsy love but I do know its love. I have felt anger and disappointment at friends and family who haven't been able to be there in the ways I need...and yet I understand that this loss and its aftermath are so horrific, so devastating, that I may be asking too much. My intent is forgiveness...and I know my heart will follow.
I know I am also changing in positive ways. It used to be so hard for me to admit that anything positive could come from Ezra's death. I am a more compassionate person. I am more attentive to all the sadness and pain around me, and more attentive than ever to bringing healing to all I can. I am redefining community in such meaningful ways, particularly my amazing babylost community. I am more spritual, more connected to the universe. I love deeper.
For now there may be silence. I need to figure out for myself what it means to move forward in the world now that Ezra is dead...my hopes and dreams as I imagined them are dead. I need space to hope new hopes and dream new dreams.
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