Monday, November 16, 2009

31 weeks, 2 days

The fear is palpable now, as I head into what feels like the danger zone.

Ezra died when I was 33 weeks, 5 days pregnant. The first indication we had that anything was wrong was a slightly elevated protein test at my 32 week OB appointment. This was followed by another test, which several days later resulted in my being directed to the hospital for more tests. Which all came back within the high range of normal. And so we were sent home. And Ezra likely died on the way home.

I don't question the doctors' decision to send me home. Nothing about the test results suggested I needed to stay in the hospital. Nothing suggested that Ezra wasn't safe. The light was yellow...proceed with caution. I was scheduled for an appointment to return 5 days later so they could keep an eye on things. Who knew that would end up being a post-partum appointment.

I know all too well how quickly all can go drastically wrong. So the fact that everything is healthy and good as I type, only gets me so far. What might tomorrow bring? What might the story be by next week?

Yet the other thing that feels palpable is meeting Sunflower in person. I feel like he's so close I can taste it. Less than 6-9 weeks to go. Unbelievable. Despite swearing that I would do nothing to prepare for Sunflower, I found myself spending a day off last week doing load after load of baby wash, and folding tiny onesies and footsie pajamas. The nursery is organized, all our baby things sorted. I've chosen a pediatrician, picked a mohel. What can I say? The nesting instinct has taken over.

Half the time I find myself wishing that I could just be put in a coma and woken when its all over - when there's a healthy happy son in my arms. But since that's unlikely to happen, I guess I'll be getting through this the same way I've made it this far - one day at a time.

24 comments:

aliza said...

oh sarah i'm sending you so much love as you enter these weeks. the fear and hope all mixed into one package. wishing this time is smooth, peaceful, uneventful and goes by quickly as you prepare to bring sunflower into the world healthy and screaming.

much love
xoxo

The Blue Sparrow said...

Praying and thinking about you! *HUGS*

Akul's mama said...

Hugssssss and more hugssssssss...praying and wishing for everything to go well with you.

Paige said...

With you closely Sarah, one day at a time. Much love mama, we're almost there. xo

c. said...

Hmmm, elevated protein. Sounds all to familiar to me.

One day at a time: you can't be expected to do anything more. Hoping for good things...

angie said...

Abiding with you, Sarah. XO

Dani819 said...

I'm hoping for you, trusting for you, believing for you. I know the fear is real, but so is the love and strength coming your way from around the world.

Sara said...

Thinking of you, hoping for you, waiting with you. It will be soon (but not too soon). Day by day

mrsmaynard said...

Thinking of you and hoping right along with you. My son died at 42 weeks and I will be induced at 38 this time. People thus seem to think that at 29 weeks, I should not be stressed, I mean, that is no were near 42 weeks. I am petrified. I know to much.

Barbara said...

Willing Sunflowers safe arrival into this world.

Hang on Sarah.

xxx

k@lakly said...

One day at a time. Sometimes justa moment at a time, but you can do this. I remember wanting to hide under my covers those last few weeks too but at the same time i wanted to savor it becasue I knew, no matter what, it would be the last time.
Hoping for a few weeks of healthy ordinary and a screaming, happy Sunflower in your arms in no time.
xxoo

Holly said...

I imagine for it to be so nerve-wracking at times. I hope all the days pass quickly.

CLC said...

Oh, Sarah, this is the hardest part I think. I am holding my breath with you and hoping for the best. Try not to think about tomorrow. Just today.

AnnaMarie said...

Breath by breath.

I'm so glad you had some peaceful nesting ;) I hope you find more enjoyable moments through this stressful time.

Love to you and the Sunflower

TracyOC said...

Thinking of you and hoping for all of the best for little Sunflower.

Once A Mother said...

sending you prayers and good thoughts as you enter these weeks. Hugs

Lindsay said...

I hope the fear subsides at least a little. I'm glad you let that instinct take over. I can't wait to see pictures of your Sunflower. Much love,

Fireflyforever said...

I've just posted similar feelings over at my blog. Just nodding and agreeing and walking the same path - one step at a time. With hope for healthy little ones at the end.

Lea said...

One day at a time.. that is all we can do, isn't it?

I am right there with you, Sarah and so excited for you.

Tracey said...

Thinking of you and sunflower...one day at time.

Funsize said...

I'm scared too...everything can turn around in a heartbeat.

Sending you so much love and good thoughts, hoping you'll get to take Sunflower home.

xo

erica said...

Right there with you, Sarah. I think one day at a time is the best way through this. Sending love.

Anonymous said...

Wishing you all the best and hope the next weeks fly by. Nuwie

Michele said...

one day at a time is all we can do. before... and after too.