32 weeks, 6 days ~ On Fragility

I feel like I'm on the edge of a precipice. Since coming home, my blood pressure has hovered around the highest range of normal acceptable (130s over 80s), while every so often dipping lower, but never higher. My protein levels remain normal. So the goal at this point is to just keep my blood pressure stable, and keep me pregnant for at least another week or so, if not longer. I've been exhausted, I'm not sure if from the two nights of no sleep in the hospital or the elevated pressure or both, so its not hard to convince me to stay put. With the exception of enjoying Thanksgiving dinner with my family yesterday (I so needed those hugs and snuggles from my niece and nephew!), I have pretty much spent my time in bed. And with the exception of all my many doctors appointments, that is how it will be.

Lying here I am reminded of just how very fragile this business of bring a new life into the world really is. An understatement in this babylost community of course, but something I didn't understand on any meaningful level before losing Ezra. Things escalated so quickly with Ezra -- one minute I was in the hospital on a fetal monitor, granted with elevated blood pressure and protein levels, but everything was ok, we were just going to keep an eye on things....and a half hour later he was gone. Even if I had still been on that fetal monitor, it is highly unlikely there was anything that could have been done - even an emergency c-section wouldn't have been quick enough for the lightening speed with which my body cut him off.

I remind myself that this time is different - we know my history now, what my body is likely to do, so there will be no deliberation about early delivery if my levels begin to creep up any higher than they are now. Sometimes it feels like my firstborn was sacrificed so that we'd know 'my history.' But given that "history," I know all too well there are no 100% guarantees -- all the medical monitoring and bedrest in the world does not 100% guarantee that Sunflower will arrive safely. Most days and moments I trust that he will, that sometime in the coming weeks I will be holding him in my arms. But it all feels so. damn. fragile.