Friday, November 27, 2009

32 weeks, 6 days ~ On Fragility

I feel like I'm on the edge of a precipice. Since coming home, my blood pressure has hovered around the highest range of normal acceptable (130s over 80s), while every so often dipping lower, but never higher. My protein levels remain normal. So the goal at this point is to just keep my blood pressure stable, and keep me pregnant for at least another week or so, if not longer. I've been exhausted, I'm not sure if from the two nights of no sleep in the hospital or the elevated pressure or both, so its not hard to convince me to stay put. With the exception of enjoying Thanksgiving dinner with my family yesterday (I so needed those hugs and snuggles from my niece and nephew!), I have pretty much spent my time in bed. And with the exception of all my many doctors appointments, that is how it will be.

Lying here I am reminded of just how very fragile this business of bring a new life into the world really is. An understatement in this babylost community of course, but something I didn't understand on any meaningful level before losing Ezra. Things escalated so quickly with Ezra -- one minute I was in the hospital on a fetal monitor, granted with elevated blood pressure and protein levels, but everything was ok, we were just going to keep an eye on things....and a half hour later he was gone. Even if I had still been on that fetal monitor, it is highly unlikely there was anything that could have been done - even an emergency c-section wouldn't have been quick enough for the lightening speed with which my body cut him off.

I remind myself that this time is different - we know my history now, what my body is likely to do, so there will be no deliberation about early delivery if my levels begin to creep up any higher than they are now. Sometimes it feels like my firstborn was sacrificed so that we'd know 'my history.' But given that "history," I know all too well there are no 100% guarantees -- all the medical monitoring and bedrest in the world does not 100% guarantee that Sunflower will arrive safely. Most days and moments I trust that he will, that sometime in the coming weeks I will be holding him in my arms. But it all feels so. damn. fragile.

20 comments:

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

It is fragile, isn't it? Even with my healthy vibrant living child, I am constantly so aware of that. Not in a morbid way, but in a cherish each moment way. Keep resting and taking it REAL easy, Sarah, until it's time for your little guy to be well in your awaiting arms. Love.

Michele said...

It is so fragile... I think most people take that for granted.

praying that you get to 34w and beyond...

aliza said...

so true, it is all so very fragile.
even with all we know, there are no guarantees in life. us babylost mamas know this all too well. and all we can do is hold onto hope.

glad you got some hugs and hope you can rest and relax until sunflower is ready to come into the world and into your arms.

xox

k@lakly said...

Argh, this is maddening. For some it can be so easy and for too many others so damn hard.
I hope the levels remain normal and your bp goes down. Rest, meditate, and if the stress is too much MAKE them take you back to hosp where they can watch you and him like hawks.
Waiting with you, and hoping like mad you get all the time you need to bring that little guy here safely.

xxoo

Fireflyforever said...

An awareness of the fragility of it all is what my daughter's death left behind in me too. Thinking of you often and hoping to hear about the blooming of your little Sunflower in the fulness of time.

Sophie said...

I'm so sorry. Yes, I felt the same way. Nothing short of his safe arrival could convince me otherwise. I hope for you that the days pass quickly, with no drama and lots of sleep. When Sunflower arrives safely I will be so happy for you, and so relieved that your pregnancy is over. Pregnancy after loss is excruciating even though we put on a brave face.

Thinking of you and hoping those around you are giving you plenty or back and foot rubs...

Hope's Mama said...

Hold on, Sarah. You're both so close now.
Sending so much love and peace.
xo

Akul's mama said...

After I lost Akul, I look at each baby with envy and awe...What a miracle a baby is. It is amazing to be able to be born and survive. I have started feeling I myself am a miracle - born, alive, unharmed. My parents were so lucky all their children lived longer than they did. Hugssssssss. Praying for the little one's safe arrival.

Amanda said...

I understand the feeling fragile. I too feel the same way right now. I am just 2 wks from being induced as long as her lungs are ready. Fingers crossed on that one. I am so happy to be this far but still so terrified of the awful happening again. I am trying to be optimistic and tell myself its different this time. SIGH... (((HUGS))) and here is to both of us hanging in there.. not much longer. Take care..

Once A Mother said...

that's the worst part of loss, the way the fragility of things becomes so real. you are in my thoughts for some peace i your heart as you navigate these weeks until your sunflower arrives.

Barbara said...

Thinking of you Sarah.

Hang on.

Hang on Sunflower.

xxx

Molly said...

You are right, it is so fragile. But you are incredibly strong as you make it through each day with such uncertainty. Hang in there a while longer. I wait anxiously for the moment you're holding your sweet crying baby in your arms.

Julia said...

So very fragile that most days I still marvel at how substantial the Cub is these days. His big sister too. Though I myself am still not recovered from the pregnancy with its constant aweraness of fragility of the one inside and of our hearts... So I will hold my breath for you and Sunflower. And hope that your bedrest is as calming as is possible under the circumstances, and that Sunflower arrives well and joyfully.

P.S. A too was gone faster than anything could've likely been done for him. And just like Sunflower, his little brother was watched for similar things, and, likely, rescued, because of A. It's enough to screw with one's head, many a time over.

Holly said...

We all certainly know the fragility of life and pregnancy. I'm hoping that your BP and protein stays in a good range so that little Sunflower can get some more time in there.

Karen said...

Praying for you and Sunflower. (((Hugs))) and sending you peaceful thoughts as you continue to rest for that precious babe.

angie said...

XO. Just thinking about you this morning with love.

Catherine W said...

Life is a very fragile thing. The line about 'knowing your history' just broke my heart. I wonder about that myself, all the time.

I hope that the bed rest doesn't get too tough and that little Sunflowers stays snug and safe for a good few weeks yet. xo

Lani said...

thinking of you sarah. glad thanksgiving was a nice one for you. stay put and we'll all hope and pray you get your little sunflower out safely. i'll be here waiting for the good news. xo

TracyOC said...

Thinking of you and praying for a safe delivery for you and Sunflower.

erica said...

The fragility is so real and so frightening. Hoping so hard for you, and sending much love.