death day

Today is 5 months since Ezra died.

I wish I had something profound to say,
About how much I've grown,
Or how close he feels,
Even though he's not physically here.

But today I just miss him to my core
He doesn't feel close,
He feels far far away.
Out of reach.
Untouchable.

At this time of day 5 months ago,
I was still the happiest woman in the world.
At least I felt that way.
I woke up feeling glorious,
As I did every day back then.
Full of hope, and excitement and expectation
That I would soon meet my son.

Even when the doctor's office called,
To say the tests were irregular
and I should come to the hospital for more tests,
I wasn't worried...if anything a little annoyed,
because I felt so good,
and I had other things to do that day.
But it was a lovely day,
and I enjoyed the walk down to the hospital.
Everything was enjoyable when Ezra was still here.

The testing was very uncomfortable,
But I was still smiling,
Because I could hear Ezra on the fetal monitor for hours,
swooshing as he moved all around.
He helped me through.

For awhile now I have been stuck,
wishing I could rewind to that moment,
when Ezra was still alive and well.
When my biggest worry was the nasty midwife,
who told me that morning that I was being tested for preeclampsia
and would be induced that day.
Which scared me since I wasn't quite 34 weeks,
and the test results weren't back yet.

Oh how I wish that's what had happened.

But my body played a trick on everyone,
and all the tests came back negative for preeclampsia,
and so I was sent home.
Where I quickly became preeclamptic,
in a flash,
the word comes from the Latin/Greek word for sudden flash of light
And like lightening,
Ezra was gone.
And all that was left was a physical pain like none I've ever felt,
Until I learned he was dead,
and the emotional pain took over,
Which hurts even more.

On days like today,
its just too hard to reconcile
the contrast between the happiness that was my pregnancy with Ezra,
and the deep sorrow that has followed.


I've never cried like I've cried for Ezra,
As Aliza wrote a couple weeks ago,
"it’s a wailing of my soul"
And today is a crying day
Too sad
Too hard
Too lonely

Missing Ezra so much.